Delays for “Rex Koko, Private Clown”

For those fans out there who’ve heard me mention that Rex Koko’s new adventure, Honk Honk, My Darling, would be available soon, I apologize. The chapters that I included in the Kindle editions of my other books might just be have to remain excruciating teasers for the time being.

I’m waiting on the cover art for Honk Honk, and have been for several weeks. What complicates this is that none of the e-book distributors will carry a book that doesn’t have a cover. So, I could slap up a piece of junk and try to pull in some sales, or I could wait until I get the hella-cool cover that I’ve commissioned and which everyone will go ape over. For better or worse, I’ve chosen the latter route.

The new, whizbang Rex Koko website should be up before Christmas, in some shape or form, so readers will be able to catch up on the latest news there. In the meantime, everyone will just have to sit and wait. When a writer is late with his copy, you can motivate him by screaming at him abusively until he cranks out the desired verbiage. Apparently, this tactic does not work on artists, but I have yet to figure out what does. I’m open to suggestions.

E-Books Aren’t for Writers with OCD

It took me a while to get my e-books up on the system at Amazon, and then at Smashwords. It wasn’t that it was so all-fired complicated to do, although it took a few uploads before the layout and everything was to my satisfaction. It was easy enough to format for Kindle: All I had to do was convert it to an HTML document, and then follow their detailed instructions. Smashwords, which converts the books to the formats for Sony, Nook, iPad, and smart phones, as well as for their own sale, took a little more finessing with Word, but it was easy once I got the hang of it.

No, the big problem of launching manuscripts into electronic format is keeping your hands off the copy while you go over it. As Paul Valery (or DaVinci, or Truman Capote, or someone else, according to my extensive web research) once said, “A poem is never finished, only abandoned.” Well, with e-books, that doesn’t have to be the case now! A writer can upload revisions to his or her ebook continually. The tweaking could be endless!

I’m lucky. I had a little guideline I could follow. Since these were ebooks of volumes that had already been released, changing much copy would put me in danger of creating a book that people wouldn’t recognize when they bought it. I could have updated some references from 15 years ago (When writing the original, I thought it was funny to make Scrooge aware of the passage of time by his buzzing alarm-wristwatch. Wow, very Dick Tracy! How was I to know that I should’ve made it his cell phone? I’m not a visionary like Steve Jobs). But most of the cultural references were still valid. I don’t think I mentioned anything that screamed “Clinton Era” too much. No talk of tech bubbles or “Celestine Prophecy”.

Worse, it was sorely tempting to heavily edit some of the stories in Once Upon a More Enlightened Time. They tend to ramble on, I think, and become shaggy dog stories. Because they had been read on stage, most of the stories in Politically Correct Bedtime Stories were shorter, punchier, and clearer in what they were making fun of. But If I had begun to edit the stories to any great extent, the e-book would probably never have made it in front of the public.

So, for better or for worse, the books in the Politically Correct Storybook are almost exactly as they were when they were published in 1994-5. I was tempted to insert a new introduction for one or all of them, but then what would I do with the original introductions, which I think are pretty funny and set the tone for the books almost perfectly? Can you insert an older introduction into an addendum? Is it still an introduction if you do that? To keep things from getting messy, I chose to keep things just as they had been. Whether the books are museum pieces or still have something to say to people, is the decision of the reader.

Of course, I still had problems tinkering with the new stories and poems I was inserting in these volumes. I even had to break out the OCR software to scan my first ever published story, “Jerry’s Last Fare”, which was published in the Chicago Tribune Magazine in 1989. No electronic version of that one, obviously. There were certainly a few lines in that chestnut I would change, but cripes, there comes a time when a guy has to abandon some things, right? I figure the reader will be forgiving.

The Continued Use of an Old Movie Palace

Last night, I went to the Winter Program for my daughter’s school over at the Copernicus Center on Lawrence near Milwaukee in Chicago. What a sumptuous auditorium that place is! I had no idea. It was formerly the Gateway Theater, the first movie palace built in Chicago for talking pictures, so the acoustics were very good and it felt very comfortable and intimate. Apparently the auditorium is busy almost every night, probably because of the dearth of midsized auditoriums on the North side. It also shows the vitality of the Polish community here. The lobby was beautifully redone and had a barmaid slinging Swarski Beer and Polish merlot.

And of course, the interior was tastefully done. Minimalist, even. With sparkling lights in the ceiling to simulate stars. (The only thing the Music Box Theater has over these guys is their cloud machine for the ceilng.)

Interior of the Copernicus Center, from their websiteGoing to the movies isn’t an event anymore. With Netflix and streaming videos, and smartphones playing movies, people can barely drag themselves out of their mancaves to enjoy the cinematic arts. But it’s gratifying to see a place like the Copernicus Center operating, because it gives a glimpse into a bygone era.

For a gallery of pictures of old, mostly empty or torn down Chicago movie places, click here. Bigger isn’t always better, obviously.

New E-Books for Politically Correct Bedtime Stories!

The time has come to announce that my first three bestselling books — long out of print in America — are now alive again. I have done it. I have brought the dead back to life, with the help of the newest technology.

Politically Correct Bedtime Stories, Once Upon a More Enlightened Time, and Politically Correct Holiday Stories are now all available as e-books, for all you e-literate readers out there. (All you illiterate readers out there will have to content themselves with the Twilight books.)

Kindle, Kobo, Nook, IPad, mobi — however you like reading a book that’s not made of a dead tree — they’re all available. You can even buy them as pdf’s to read on your regular old computer (the free apps, Kindle for PC and Kindle for Mac, also make this possible).

And to sweeten the pot, especially for those fans who already have the hardback editions, each volume contains extra material, most of it never before seen.

To wit:

PC Bedtime Stories: the rewritten rhymes of “A Child’s Garden of Political Correctness”; the story “A Royal Revenge,” commissioned by the BBC; and the long-awaited “The Duckling That Was Judged on Its Persunal Merits and Not on Its Physical Appearance”

Once Upon: A full-length PC novella of the adventures of Pinocchio!

PC Holiday Stories: the hardscrabble story of Santa’s poor Irish childhood, “Santa’s Ashes”, written with A.J. Jacobs (The Know-It-All); and my first published story, the Christmas tale “Jerry’s Last Fare”.

Each book also contains a free chapter of the upcoming Rex Koko debut novel, Honk Honk, My Darling. Yes, fans of clown noir and pantaloon pulp, Rex Koko’s first adventure will soon be available in e-book versions. Later, I’ll also have a paperback version and an audio podcast of Honk Honk available. The only thing holding it up is that I’m waiting for the cover art. A complete Rex Koko webpage is being forged as you read this. Yes, it’s Christmas in December. Well, Christmas in EARLY December. Yahoo!

Click here to order the Kindle editions from Amazon. (You know, you don’t need a real Kindle to buy these, right? You can download the free apps Kindle for PC or Kindle for Macs, and enjoy them on your home computer. You can also read them on your phone.)

Click here to order them from iTunes. (coming soon 12/2/10 — ISBN updates processing)

Click here to order the Nook edition from Barnes & Noble. (coming soon 12/2/10 — ditto)

Click here to order them from Smashwords (all the pdfs and epubs you’d ever want).

Check out the “Bear Down” podcast

I love the idea of podcasts more than the actual things. They promise more than they actually deliver, they almost always need editing and truncating, and most importantly, I never have time to hear the whole thing. I sometimes wish I had to commute every day, so I could find some really good ones and, even more ambitiously, keep up with them. The ones I listen to have been piling up in my ipod like unread newspapers and copies of Atlantic and Money Magazine. There just aren’t enough hours in the day for them all.

But I want to give a shout-out to my old friend Matt Walsh (of Upright Citizens fame) and his friends who’ve been putting up the “Bear Down” podcast for two seasons now. Stationed out in LA (which they say gives them perspective), they analyze the results of the week’s Chicago Bears game with insight and humor, knowing enough to actually be interesting and funny enough to not be ponderous.

It’s like watching the game with funny fans who aren’t meatheads (mostly), or bitter former jocks, or short-fused know-it-alls, or macho masters of the world who dream of the day when they can buy a skybox and piss down on the fans. They also have great fake interviews with coaches, owners and former players that are almost believable, and completely hilarious.

So if you need a weekly recap in which no one is shouting at the camera or radio, and like a good laugh besides, check out the “Bear Down” podcast.

We Few, We Buffoonish Few

So now the list of candidates for the mayor of Chicago has come down to five candidates. A measly five candidates, in every sense of the word. At least, that was the number that filed their petitions with the city clerk today.

When Da Mare announced he was retiring next year, hordes of local politicians began to jockey for position like the hopefuls who would pull the sword from the stone. Unknown aldermen held press conferences, state senators began to send out gossip tidbits about forming exploratory committees, etc. It looked like it was going to be a humorous campaign with more hyperbole than you could shake a Chicago Spire at.

But aspirants quickly began to fall away in October, when people realized they would be running against Rahm Emanuel and his money, and maybe when they realized that the city is pretty much broke right now. It was like Henny Penny in reverse, with everyone gung ho at the start but falling away when they realized how much work was involved and how slim their personal chances were.

So we’re left with Rahm Emanuel, Carol Mosely Braun (sheeesh), Gery Chico (probably Daley’s pick), Miguel Del Valle and US Rep. Danny Davis (he’s seemingly everywhere–does he hold more than one office?). They’re all politicians who know how to bloviate and hurl accusations and innuendo, but there are no outsized characters in the group except Emanuel. State Sen James Meeks is expected to file his petitions before the deadline next week.

Which is all too bad for me and my ilk. For a couple weeks I was trying to figure out how I could lampoon this process somehow, especially with some short dramatic episodes on the radio. I stirred and stirred the ingredients but nothing seemed to gel in my mind. Back in the 80s, Aaron Freeman hit a home run with his “Council Wars” episodes about the fights between Harold Washington and various retrograde aldermen who were acting like big men to oppose him. What would work this time? King Arthur? The Godfather? SpongeBob? Sniffing around the idea of a “Cannonball Run” take-off sounded okay, but who can remember anything distinctive about that piece of slop? (It may have been the presence of Sheriff Tom Dart as a possible candidate that made me salivate for the chance to bring in some Southern law enforcement burlesques, but now we’ll never know, since Dart declined to run in order to spend time with his family. And his current job, which has nothing but upsides for him.)

And now, as the initial thrill fades and the field thins out, we’re left with the almost-certain election of Emanuel to the mayor’s office. It will be loud and profane, but I don’t know if it will lend itself well to ridicule and parody.

Unless after the election, some of the aldermen grow a pair and stand up a little bit against the new mayor.

Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

For more, better, and nastier observations about what’s going on in Chicago politically, check out Driftglass. It’s hilarious.

The Bounty of the Harvest: Hard Cider

It’s a beautiful fall day here in Chicago, though it’s hard to consider 65 degrees as very autumnal. But the harvests are all in, and that has meant it’s time for apple cider.

And while apple cider is nice — one of God’s true gifts to humankind — hard cider can be even better. Or at least it appeals to the part of me that likes gadget and likes to play mad scientist once in a while.

(It’s not that my daughter in the background was scared of my fermenting experiments or the skull candle. She’d just woken up from a well-earned nap.)

Last year I fermented some ciders using a lager yeast, which came out pretty tasty. However, the drafts tasted a lot like those that I made years ago with champagne yeast. They weren’t quite as dry as the champagne batches (which were too dry to even enjoy), but they were very very crisp.

So this year, I made the trip over to “Brew and Grow” to see if they had any yeasts that were specific to making cider. (Cider of course will ferment on its own, if left to its own devices, but it can be a bit of a gamble to end up with a flavor that you like.) And sure enough, amidst all the hydroponic and home gardening equipment for closet-grown “tomatoes”, they sold some yeast specifically made for ciders. The pack was for five gallons of cider, which is about three gallons more than I will drink this winter, so I just estimated the proper amounts. No big deal to put too much in.

I made different batches by using cider from two different farms: Seedlings Orchard, which is run by a friend of mine, and Crane’s Orchard, which is the big chimichanga up by our cottage. The bottles from Seedlings had been pasteurized by ultra-violet light, while Crane’s was just au naturel. (Seedlings is also marketing their own hard cider at liquor stores in the Chicago area, though I haven’t tried it.)

After 10 or so days in the jugs, the bubbling subsided, and I took a measure of specific gravity. Surprisingly, it read that there was NO potential alcohol in either batch. I still haven’t figured that one out — did this yeast not produce any alcohol when it digested the sugars? That seems impossible. Will have to talk with other brewers about this when I think of it. So I siphoned off the liquid into beer bottles and capped them, as shown above, after priming each half-gallon with about a teaspoon of corn sugar. After a week, I brought some to a friend’s house for his birthday.

The results? The cider from Crane’s was clear and crisp, with just the right amount of carbonation. Good adequate drink. But the batch from Seedlings had a lot more complexity, a little peppery bite to the flavor, a touch more carbonation. If forced to choose between the two, I think I’d take Seedlings.

Now I need to find a bottle or two of the commercially made stuff and see if mine is at all similar to it. Seedlings has some “varietal” ciders, with mutsu and jonagold and the like, which they were selling at the farmers markets this fall. To me, those flavors are so delicate that I think fermenting them would almost remove the flavor. For now, I’m going to stick with the generic apple cider, though I do like Seedlings’ combo of cider and cherry juice.

Better living through chemistry.

A Salute to Sparky Anderson

The Tigers have lost another legendary personality. George Lee Anderson, better known and loved as Sparky, has died at the age of 76. Along with the loss of Ernie Harwell earlier in the year, it’s a one-two punch to the gut for Bengals fans. Sparky was the genuine article, by all accounts, and never forgot his humble beginnings. As such, he was the perfect fit for a place like Detroit, a place with a very finely tuned bullshit meter (not that it stops them from electing fools and felons, naturally).

For a terrific appreciation of Sparky, check out Joe Posnansky’s excellent piece in Sports Illustrated. It will tell you all you need to know about why this guy was such a classic. However, I’m waiting to read in even one of these tribute articles that Sparky was a member of the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame, for his minor league playing days in Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Royals. (The picture with this post came from their website.)

And so, I felt the need to salute Sparky with a poem on Bardball. It just started with small phrases and kept going. It seems very fitting. Sparky was not an educated man, so a flowery tribute would’ve rung hollow. So long, Sparky. The Hot Stove League in heaven just got livelier.

The snowy hair
The doleful stare
The mangled speech
The subtle preach
The dubious start
The gentle heart
The hook that stings
Three Series rings
The postgame pipe
The misplaced hype
Shaggy dog stories
Humble glories
A light gone dark
We’ll miss you, Spark

White Zombie

For one of my favorite old horror movies:

“White Zombie’s” honeymoon bride
Gets bewitched and leaves her man’s side.
But even before,
This drip’s such a bore,
It’s hard to be certain she died.

With dark graveyard scenes, voodoo in the “Haitian” countryside, a big creepy castle, and Bela Legosi’s unibrow, this movie is a B-classic. It’s on one of the cable channels this week — catch it.

Ordinary Time

Well, I was going to write a post about how summer was over and it was back to the old grindstone in the City on the Make. Full of little tidbits about what the family had done during the hot months, designed to bring smiles to those who know me well and envious grimaces to my enemies, since as they say, “Living well is the best revenge.”

Then I looked up and, whaddyaknow, it’s already the beginning of October. The time for winding down, clearing out the garden, making sure last year’s boots are still waterproof. The first tenuous weeks of school are finished, and now the kids have to actually get some work done. Big Ten teams need to stop beating up on Eastern Michigan and Bowling Green and Illinois, and start playing against actual football programs. The demands of Halloween loom, when us creative people have to step up and deliver with the house decorations and costumes (no leftover medical scrubs or softball uniforms for our lot). Then, it’s the greased chute to Christmas, and the whole “what the hell just happened?” feeling that accompanies it.

But poor, poor September. Aside from Labor Day, no one gives it any love. No big special events, no big sales (except back-to-school), no big debuts since no one cares about network TV anymore.

September is starting to feel like a segue month, a time to bide until other, bigger, flashier months come up. The church calendar talks about “ordinary time,” which consists of the weeks that don’t fall under Advent, Christmas, Lent and Easter. This can maybe apply to the secular calendar too, the weeks when we catch our breath and maybe ponder what our lives are all about. If so, September leads the pack, followed by January, March and maybe June (although graduations bisect that month nicely, and weddings can give it an extra urgency).

So, as it begins to feel like “The years just flow by, like a broken down dam” (John Prine), maybe we should savor the ordinary times like September. At least until we can figure out a way to commercially exploit it.

Nighty-Night, White Sox

So the Chicago White Sox finally managed to mathematically eliminate themselves last night by losing to the Oakland A’s. Way to back into it, guys. Holding the door to the post-season open to the Twins. I didn’t think such politeness was such a feature of the South Side, and of the Good Guys Wearing Black.

What a frustrating year. When the Sox were firing on all cylinders in midsummer, they were playing the kind of baseball I love: dominant pitching and defense, a little small-ball mixed in with a dramatic game-winning home run once in a while. But such consistency is beyond these guys apparently.

We can be grateful, though, that that former Macy’s balloon Manny Ramirez completely embarrassed himself with his lack of hitting in the final weeks. No temptation to sign him again, I trust. Brush up on your Japanese, Manny.

So this team might get broken apart when the season ends, which would be a shame. I like the make-up of the team. But I doubt they’ll let Paulie Konerko go. He’s such the complete face of the franchise that he should be carried off on a shield after giving up his final iota of strength. I hope they keep AJ, who always makes it interesting. Bobby Jenks? Yeah, probably time for him to move on; he’s had five seasons to show himself as not-a-headcase since the World Series, and with his other injuries, I’d say it’s time to look for another closer.

As a cap to the season, I’d like to offer a prayer for Sox fans to repeat to themselves when they kneel down by their beds tonight. Posted on Bardball last week, but that was premature. Or at least completely realistic.

Now we lay us down to sleep.
Who really thought that we could sweep?

We thought we had a chance at Central,
If Ozzie kept from going mental.

God, forgive us of our sins
And tell us why you made the Twins.

Tell us why we let go Thome,
Then brought in that dreadlocked phony.

Thank you for our newfound heroes,
For Edwin Jackson, Alex Rios,

Thank you for our older guard,
Thanks for Paulie going yard.

Please keep the squad from getting creaky.
Make sure A.J. keeps playing sneaky.

Now we’ll watch the Hawks and Bears,
Trying to ignore our fears

Of Kenny really signing Manny
And Ozzie going to Miami.

Tea Partiers Come Closer to Catching the Car They’re Barking After

From what I gather on some of the political websites, there’s been some kind of tectonic shift in American politics, now that some “Tea Party” candidates have ousted Republican favorites in some Senate and House Primaries. Katie, bar the door, and all that….

I haven’t paid any attention to the Tea Party movement for more than a year. At one time, they seemed like a genuine force to be reckoned with. But as certain “leaders” have emerged, they strike me as little more than telegenic nihilists. Not informed about how government operates, not interested that there can be more than one side to an argument, not particularly honest with the people whose emotions they have stoked and manipulated. They argue that having no government would almost be better than having the government we have now. (If you really think that having no government would create some kind of Rousseau-ian paradise, go visit places with failed governments like Yemen or Sudan, then come back and report.)

Hey, they wanna “throw da bums out”, that’s fine. That’s why we have the system.

But what kind of makes me sick is the way this is treated in the media, like these people are like Ethan Allen’s Green Mountain Boys, swooping down at this particular time in history to reclaim this country. That’s the rhetoric of the movement, but now the trope is worming its way into news coverage about it.

This morning on NPR’s “Morning Edition” (which I was only half listening to), the reporter described the Tea Party movement as a robust threat to the Republican establishment. It was done in such an awestruck and admiring manner, that I had to think to myself:

“Would a serious movement from the left, challenging Democratic incumbents, have received such a glowing report? Or would a “Coffee Party” (or whatever) be treated as a ragtag bunch of crazies that want power and won’t know what to do with it when they get it?”

I think you know the answer. Which all goes back to the way the supposedly liberal elements of the media establishment are still an establishment, and treat conservative power with way more deference and analysis than it deserves. Conservative power is about one thing only: Power. Not good governance, not justice, not equality, not the future of the country. Just power, and holding onto it.

I’m not saying the Democrats can be trusted to act in ways that advance those ideals, or that they don’t crave power like a junkie. It’s just that I get tired of the media giving these Tea Party dress-up whores so much credit, and their government suitors any credibility. IT often looks like the Tea Partiers have stolen the keys to the family van, and are sitting up in a tree taunting the Republican officeholders, and the officeholders are making lots of cooing noises and waving candy hoping to get the keys back. Billionaires are funding the Tea Party movement and pulling the strings behind the candidates, and any doofuses in tri-corner hats who think that these backers have the fate of the average citizen in mind deserves the paddling he’s going to get.

It’s only going to get interesting again when some of these “reformers” get elected to office. But then, that’s me. I’m a cynic, but not a nihilist.

Bud Selig, on Bardball

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, but never posted it here. Thought some of you might like it.

THE LEGACY OF BUD SELIG

Tons of money for the owners.
Ignorance of player-dopers.

More exploitative contract bids
For dirt-poor Caribbean kids.

A baseball classic for the world
Where U.S. players rarely hurled.

With anti-trust still holding fast,
Small-market teams still finish last.

Now, Milwaukee celebrates this schwanz
With a Selig statute cast in bronze.

Ron Santo, Font of Baseball Wisdom

From Bardball this week:

The Cubs and Cards are tied at two.
Your heart is beating like a drum.
The Cubbies could still win this thing.
Professor Santo opines, “Umm.”

A walk and then a stolen base–
Is Sorey slowing down a bit?
Should Castro bunt or swing away?
Our sage says, “Cubs could use a hit.”

Two outs with men on first and third.
The pitch scoots past Molina–HOW?
Alphonso races home! Cubs Win!
Mr. Insightful stammers, “Wow!”

Fun in the Minor Leagues

Posted today on Bardball, a true account of a game I attended last year at Fifth Third Park, home of Grand Rapids’ minor league Tigers affiliate, the West Michigan Whitecaps.

Too much fun. If you haven’t gone to a minor league baseball game recently, you’re missing out on a lot, including pork chop sandwiches and lots of local color.

Remember, Bardball exists only because of reader submissions, so if the baseball muse strikes you, submit it to the site and we’ll put it up.

Superhero Night with the West Michigan Whitecaps

To augment the human-sized, foam-rubber eyeball footraces
(Sponsored by a local optometrist)
And the hot wieners bazooka’d into the crowd
(Brought to you by an insurance agency)
And the horrible-hued disco dance contest
(Courtesy of Q-107–”You Can’t Stop The Rock”),
The special events crew rented costumes
Of Captain America and The Hulk,
Complete with stitched-in muscles,
And waved and flexed and danced and clowned.

In between,
Pitchers strained,
Batters swung,
Fielders pounced,
Dreaming of the show.