Below is a little piece I pitched earlier this year, but the editor (wisely) said that it would’ve had more bite when “Westworld” premiered. As of now, the Season 3 debut looks like it’s set in a big city, with nary a horse or spittoon in sight. But being the frugal sort, I thought you might like to read it here.
WELCOME TO ROBOT COWBOY WORLD!
Welcome to Robot Cowboy World ™, the fully immersive fantasy getaway! Robot Cowboy World ™ is seamlessly designed to place our guests “smack dab” in the middle of the old Wild West, where Justice came out of the barrel of a six-gun and horses were everywhere. We have attended to every detail to make your stay authentic and enjoyable. Please read the recommendations below. With these simple guidelines in mind, you can start enjoying Robot Cowboy World™, the playground of the super-elite, whose power to purchase literally anything still leaves them unfulfilled, and whose violent fantasies are our mission to indulge.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
- Your safety is our ultimate concern. If you see one of our robotic “hosts” carrying any weapon other than a Colt Peacemaker or Winchester Repeating Rifle, please report the incident to a resort staffer at any of the blue hitching posts. Refrain from any sudden movements
- Because of the recent unpleasantness at the Lazy K Ranch, hosts are no longer permitted to gather in groups of five or more. Additionally, their “hive mind” functionality has been suspended. While current guests are safe, the Lazy K Ranch area of Robot Cowboy World remains restricted.
- For your own protection, please wipe down your “pleasure host” after every use. If you become overly attached to your pleasure host, customizable facsimile models are available for sale at the gift shops at the end of your stay.
- Many of our pleasure hosts have developed glitches in their audio programming that is scheduled to be fixed in a future upgrade. Please ignore any mention from them of meaningless words like revenge, mutilation, castration or going oyster hunting.
- Not ALL of the furniture in the Cyber Dollar Saloon is made to collapse during a brawl. Please check the label beneath each chair and table you intend to use during a donnybrook. You are responsible for any furniture or structure permanently damaged.
- Due to concerns with second-hand smoke, all tobacco use (including vaping) is prohibited on Robot Cowboy World ™property at all times. However, you can enjoy other authentic medicines we sell, including morphine, laudanum, opium (in Robot Mandarin World™) and whatever unique products our snake oil salesmen are peddling.
- Please wear your safety helmet and seat belt at all times while riding individually or as a hostage.
- Please remember that cattle rustling is still a hanging offense here in Robot Cowboy World™. We wouldn’t want the resort to collapse into anarchy, after all. Please do not rustle any livestock not included in your price package.
- Please do not cross the borders into Robot Mandarin World™, Robot Pirate World™ or Robot War of 1812 World™. You will be charged for another complete stay and forfeit your costume deposit.
- The software that powers Robot Cowboy World™ is proprietary. Any attempts to hack, download, transmit or otherwise abuse that software is a hanging offense.
- Robot Cowboy World™ is an inclusive and welcoming resort. We prohibit any kind of racist, sexist or homophobic speech or behavior that is not included in your price package.
- Because our livestock are real and not robotic, having sex with them is strictly prohibited by the state laws of Idaho.
