One evening on 35th Street
A cardboard fan I happened to meet
She thought me conventional
Her? Two-dimensional
We plan to get married next week.
Quarantine Counterpoint from Curtis
My name is Curtis, this is my gun,
Just try and stop me from having my fun.
I need a haircut, my gal some ink done,
And a bacon chili burger with ranch-style Funyuns.
Hey, you govs! We the People have spoken
And don’t give a shit about public contagion!
It’s called FREEDOM, pal, very hard-won,
Though your pussification’s already begun.
You see Old Glory? THOSE COLORS DON’T RUN!
We’ll face any threat, even teeny weeny ones.
Trump said the virus dies in the sun
And is out golfing now — America’s not done!
We’ll come back stronger, give or take a lung
And clear out defectives. Job overdue: Done!
Real Americans will survive–loud, white, rotund–
Knowing we’re right because of our guns.
Thanks for Your Concern
Sent out last week in the Quarantine Cavalcade, a substack from The American Bystander that sends up-to-the-minute humor to your in-box every day.
What’s your take on Covid-19,
Audio Aficionado Magazine?
Have you any pandemic pearls,
App that shortens lengthy URLs?
Will it change your business philosophy,
Mail-order seller of salt-water taffy?
Share with us your social insights,
Mind-bogglingly massive porn website.
Whether in-box or web, we can’t avoid
Virus blurbs that puzzle or annoy.
Your civic responsibility–truly heartening!
But I just wanted tips on gardening.
Viral Word Play
An Unwanted Acrostic
Q is the queer, quaint quiet on the street
U is Ulysses picked up (again)
A is arranging closets clean and neat
R is remembering to put on pants
A is all The Brady Bunch squares in a Zoom meeting
N is that weird neighbor/End Times prepper
T is Tiger King Tiger King (God, please stop!) Tiger King
I is inventing ways to be alone together
N is new recipes for all the beans I’ve bought
E is everything happening again in August (what a thought)
Published this week in the Quarantine Cavalcade, a humor and cartoon substack published and distributed daily by The American Bystander, America’s Best Humor Magazine. To get the Cavalcade in your inbox, go here.
Welcome to Robot Cowboy World!
Below is a little piece I pitched earlier this year, but the editor (wisely) said that it would’ve had more bite when “Westworld” premiered. As of now, the Season 3 debut looks like it’s set in a big city, with nary a horse or spittoon in sight. But being the frugal sort, I thought you might like to read it here.
WELCOME TO ROBOT COWBOY WORLD!
Welcome to Robot Cowboy World ™, the fully immersive fantasy getaway! Robot Cowboy World ™ is seamlessly designed to place our guests “smack dab” in the middle of the old Wild West, where Justice came out of the barrel of a six-gun and horses were everywhere. We have attended to every detail to make your stay authentic and enjoyable. Please read the recommendations below. With these simple guidelines in mind, you can start enjoying Robot Cowboy World™, the playground of the super-elite, whose power to purchase literally anything still leaves them unfulfilled, and whose violent fantasies are our mission to indulge.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
- Your safety is our ultimate concern. If you see one of our robotic “hosts” carrying any weapon other than a Colt Peacemaker or Winchester Repeating Rifle, please report the incident to a resort staffer at any of the blue hitching posts. Refrain from any sudden movements
- Because of the recent unpleasantness at the Lazy K Ranch, hosts are no longer permitted to gather in groups of five or more. Additionally, their “hive mind” functionality has been suspended. While current guests are safe, the Lazy K Ranch area of Robot Cowboy World remains restricted.
- For your own protection, please wipe down your “pleasure host” after every use. If you become overly attached to your pleasure host, customizable facsimile models are available for sale at the gift shops at the end of your stay.
- Many of our pleasure hosts have developed glitches in their audio programming that is scheduled to be fixed in a future upgrade. Please ignore any mention from them of meaningless words like revenge, mutilation, castration or going oyster hunting.
- Not ALL of the furniture in the Cyber Dollar Saloon is made to collapse during a brawl. Please check the label beneath each chair and table you intend to use during a donnybrook. You are responsible for any furniture or structure permanently damaged.
- Due to concerns with second-hand smoke, all tobacco use (including vaping) is prohibited on Robot Cowboy World ™property at all times. However, you can enjoy other authentic medicines we sell, including morphine, laudanum, opium (in Robot Mandarin World™) and whatever unique products our snake oil salesmen are peddling.
- Please wear your safety helmet and seat belt at all times while riding individually or as a hostage.
- Please remember that cattle rustling is still a hanging offense here in Robot Cowboy World™. We wouldn’t want the resort to collapse into anarchy, after all. Please do not rustle any livestock not included in your price package.
- Please do not cross the borders into Robot Mandarin World™, Robot Pirate World™ or Robot War of 1812 World™. You will be charged for another complete stay and forfeit your costume deposit.
- The software that powers Robot Cowboy World™ is proprietary. Any attempts to hack, download, transmit or otherwise abuse that software is a hanging offense.
- Robot Cowboy World™ is an inclusive and welcoming resort. We prohibit any kind of racist, sexist or homophobic speech or behavior that is not included in your price package.
- Because our livestock are real and not robotic, having sex with them is strictly prohibited by the state laws of Idaho.
Where The Chi-Yotes Howl
(a little something cooked up, but a little too late for the news cycle)
MEMO FROM CHICAGO MAYOR LORI LIGHTFOOT
TO: ALL CITY DEPARTMENTS AND STAFF
RE: COYOTES AND THE MEDIA
As you all know, Chicago has had a case of “coyote fever” this week. After a child was bitten near the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum in Lincoln Park, as well as a man in Streeterville, the media have depicted our city is a high-plains outpost after supply lines are cut. While this is a multi-faceted problem with no easy solution, I would encourage staff to emphasize some (or all) of the following talking points in their interactions with the media, which highlight the benefits of having a coyote population in one of the most expensive pieces of real estate in the world.
- Coyotes are a prominent segment of Illinois’ population that has not declined since the last census, thus proving that Chicago is still a vibrant and attractive place to live. (Something to mull for the future: Ways to tax them?)
- We should extend congratulations to the Nature Museum for actually fostering interaction between its visitors and nature, if only indirectly and accidentally. Granted, this is a bit more intense than the butterfly habitat, a little more “Red in tooth and claw” than many people are comfortable with, but it has generated a great deal of free publicity for the museum already. No more boring field trips!
- The presence of coyotes saves the city a great deal of revenue by keeping down the rabbit population in Lincoln Park. Seriously, the place would look like “Watership Down” without them, as the Departments of Animal Control and Streets and San will attest. So unless residents want the park to look like some dystopian rabbit planet, the coyotes provide a vital service at no cost (at least until we hear from the bitten child’s lawyer).
- Think of the many ways the presence of the coyotes can help the local economy: Midnight nature tours (accented with the howls of the zoo’s red wolves and all the little lapdogs in the Belden-Stratford). Sales of infrared binoculars. Late night picnics with quick cleanup. And need I say, GLAMPING!?
- The coyotes could provide a boon to the arts. Audio sampling of coyote howls could spark a new phase of Chicago music innovation–house music succeeded by “howls music”? Likewise, animation students at Columbia College could seize this opportunity to study animal motion in the wild, with just a couple of crates of ACME Rocket Roller Skates as bait.
- One final note: please be certain to keep Jussie Smollett’s lawyer out of this situation! Streeterville and the city as a whole are looking crazy enough as it is.
I think with a little forethought, we can all maintain a positive spin on this, at least until the beginning of alligator season.
MLB All-Heavenly-Host Team
1B Ángel Echevarria
2B Ángel Santos
SS Ángel Berroa
3B Ángel Sánchez
LF Ángel Mangual
CF Ángel Pagan
RF Rubén Ángel Sierra
C Ángel Peña
PH “Pearly” Gates Brown
RHP Ángel Sanchez, Ángel Castro, Ángel Nesbitt, Ángel Guzman
LHP Ángel Miranda, Miguel Ángel Cuellar, Ángel Moreno
MGR Felipe Alou-lujah
New Rex Koko Short Story in AMERICAN BYSTANDER
For all you fans of “Rex Koko, Private Clown” — and if you aren’t a fan, may I politely suggest you get on the stick? — a big treat is just around the corner.
The American Bystander is the funniest magazine in America today. Every issue is packed with short- and long-form humor from the best writers around. Alums from Letterman, the Daily Show, the Onion, the Simpsons, the New Yorker, plus cartoonists like Sam Gross, Rick Geary, MK Brown, Rich Sparks and more. You can get it through a Patreon subscription, which you can check out right here. You can also get a sample copy or PDF by contacting the publisher at the website above.
For the past couple of issues, I have been proud to be published by the Bystander. But now comes the Big Bertha. Issue #10 will present a complete Rex Koko short story entitled “The Tiny Taxi of Justice”!
Is there a flashy murder? Sure
Is there a despicable villain? Oh, yeah!
Does Rex turn to his Top Town pals, like Lotta, Bingo and new character Eddie Echo , to try and right this wrong? Whaddya think, rube! Right there, in front of the Club Bimbo!
The artwork for the story is below, done up by the wonderful Joe Oesterle. If you’re a fan of humor, you really need to check out The American Bystander. It’s a bountiful smorgasbord of belly laughs.
MLB All-Ramones Team
1B Johnny Mize
2B Joey Cora
SS Didi Gregorious
3B Ramon Castro
LF Tommy Davis
CF Johnny Damon
RF Johnny Callison
RHP Ramon Martinez, Tommy Hunter, Joey Hamilton, Mark Fidrych (honorary)
LHP Tommy John, Ramon de los Santos, Johnny Vander Meer
Mgr. Tommy Lasorda
What’s in a Name?
One of the things I love about baseball players, especially Latin American players, is their creative names. Gleyber, Yoan, Avisail–nothing stretches the palate and the tongue like reading the rosters out loud.
So, inspired by a list I found of the 100 most interesting names of 2018 minor league players, I concocted some baseball doggerel for Bardball. The list can be found here, and with another go at it, I could probably write a completely new poem. So, while I lament the loss of player nicknames like Pee-Wee, Soapy and Suds, there are always new riches if you just look for them.
Don’t get cheeky with Dalton Geekie
Or throw a lot of derp on Franklin Van Gurp
We’ll soon know the warth of Shea Spitzbarth
Ain’t that the truth, oh, Maverik Buffo
Yezz, we will see about Yeffersson Yannuzzi
But I hope things sizzle for Austin Bizzle
“Can’t stop, won’t stop”–the motto of Zach Pop
Best make room for Makesiondon KelkboomSure, poke fun at the name of Blake Pflughaupt,
But he’s playing ball, sucker, and you’re naupt.
And aren’t you just waiting for Franklin Van Gurp to be called up?
Single White Vigilante
Did you ever wonder about your life choices? The feeling that, when faced with the fork in the road, you took the path only an idiot would prefer? That feeling that the world continues to crumble in its own merry way, and all you want is that special someone to share a cup of cocoa with?
Hey, superheroes feel it too.
Single White Vigilante is my stab at a continuing webcomic, one that asks the question, “Why does Justice have to be so lonely?” It’s designed and drawn by my pally Airan Wright, who also designs my Rex Koko book covers and website. New comics will be rolling out every two weeks now, so I hope you will tune in and enjoy some.
Being at comic cons probably got the idea gestating in my head. That, and the fact that my kids are regular readers of so many hilarious online comics. So what would happen if the Punisher felt the need to speed date? How does Batman keep up with the latest music, and how much does everyone talk behind his back? Which superhero would do best/worst on Tinder? These and other questions will be answered in the months to come, albeit indirectly.
And we have an entire Rogue’s Gallery to introduce: The Skink. Multi-Maniac. Muscleena. Virginia Creeper. And the mysterious Nadshot!
Hope to see you soon, out on patrol.
Interview with Reduced Shakespeare Company
I probably didn’t post this link last year, when the event happened. I was pretty out-to-lunch last year for a lot of reasons, and many simple things and deadlines fell through the cracks.
Anyway, below is the link to a very good conversation I had with my friend Austin Tichenor, one of the brains behind the Reduced Shakespeare Company. We touch on political correctness, of course, and comedy and codpieces and everything that makes life worthwhile. Enjoy!
Acknowledging Historic Milestones
Over the weekend, the Chicago White Sox manned an outfield with three players named Garcia. They aren’t related, nor even from the same country, but they have broken through the invisible barrier that kept guys with the same name from filling a complete outfield. Our hats are off to them. From Bardball, of course:
Three Matching Sox
The game’s been built of 3s
Since, like, eternity.
3 outs, 3 strikes,
3 bases and the like
Now add to these trios
Garcias who with brio
Manned the grass for the Hose.
Unlike the real bros
Matty, Felipe and Jesus–
The splendid Alous–
These Garcias don’t own
Similar chromosomes
But never in history
Has an outfield had 3
Confused when they hear
“Hey! Garcia! Get over here!”
Bob Dylan and Bardball, Part 2
Our favorite Nobel Laureate is back with another touching ode on Bardball. Maybe he should hang out with the guys in the Baseball Project and get some recording done! (This one was written with my friend, Jim Siergey.)
Bob Dylan’s 2017 Forecast: “I Shall Be Released”
They say ev’ryone can be replaced
Yet every lefty is still here
So I try to play second base
Or third or short or anywhere
. I only bat .190
. So my chances do decrease
. Any day now, any day now
. I shall be released
They say ev’ry man needs protection
They say you keep your eyes on that ball
The marketing guys aren’t my rooting section
My agent won’t return my calls
. I’m in the B-game lineup
. Starting to feel it’s just a tease
. Any day now, any day now,
. I shall be released
Standing next to me around the cage
Is a stud too young to buy a beer
He wants to gain the wisdom that comes with age
But I just want to play another year
. I see the rookies rise up
. Big potential, play for cheap
. Any day now, any day now,
. I shall be released
Bob Dylan and Bardball
All through spring training, it’s a Dylan Festival at Bardball. If you didn’t know the Nobel Laureate is a baseball fan — and I have no idea myself — you can believe it now, because how else could he have written so many songs that can be turned into forecasts for the upcoming season?
Bob Dylan’s 2017 Forecast: “Sucking in the Wind”
How many innings must Verlander pitch
to have them destroyed by the pen?
How many times must Miggy get on
to be left on the base by Upton?
How many weeks before Ausmus is canned–
that’s not an “if”, that’s a “when”
The answer, my friend, is 2017
When the Tigers will be sucking in the wind
How many balls will Martinez misjudge
and watch as they roll to the wall?
How many years will poor V-Mart DH
as his trot slows down to a crawl?
How many years must fans grumble and wince
before this team wins in the fall?
The answer, my friend, is 2017
When the Tigers will be sucking in the wind