The Decline of American Letters

The American public is so completely illiterate it can’t even handle the demands of the most vulgar of poetic forms, the limerick. That’s the only conclusion one can reach after reading most of the entries in the Chicago Sun-Times’ “Keep It Wrigley” limerick contest. If you can read more than a dozen of these in a row, then you have the intestinal fortitude to ghost write Paris Hilton’s autobiography.

Never one to miss the chance to slag his competition, the Trib’s Eric Zorn suggested the establishment of the “Limerick Integrity Preservation Society” (LIPS), to stem the rising tide of these miserable excuses for doggerel. His readers’ responses are hilarious, smug, and most importantly, well written. THEY are definitely worth a gander.

As the deadline for the Sun-Times contest approached, I felt the need to tackle this issue myself. For one thing, it might get a little publicity for Bardball.com. For another, hey, a free t-shirt is a free t-shirt.

Cadillac? Marathon? Duraflame?
What brand could replace Wrigley’s name?
Maybe Apple Computers?
Heineken? Hooters?
Or BreathSavers, with aspertame?

If Sam Zell couldn’t tell that the name
“Wrigley Field” is revered in the game,
He’s now heard every schlub
Voice the rub of the Cubs:
“Let’s win–but please keep things the same.”

As you might tell, while I wouldn’t be surprised if Zell sold the naming rights (he’d be an idiot not to at least look into it), I’m already kind of sick of the wailing and moaning of the Cubs fans on this, who even in winning seasons often sound like superstitious old ladies. I don’t think the name Wrigley will be discarded entirely, because it would be a huge PR problem for the company that paid for the rights, but also because no one except broadcasters will ever call it anything but Wrigley Field. How many Sox fans ever call the BallMall “US Cellular Field”? They might call it “the Cell” if they’re being lazy or want to sound hip (like when they call their fave radio station The Drive), but 99% of the time, they still call it Comiskey. Which is as it should be.

Cub fans should take control of this situation and make it known in no uncertain terms that they will call it Wrigley come hell or high water. Take the money, and keep the name for themselves. It won’t matter what the name on the big red sign is. They already live in a dream world anyway.