Best-Selling Humorist.
For those of you who miss baseball and have been playing boardgames way too long:
1B Ted “Clue” Kluszewski
2B Wally Backgamman
SS Leo Cardenas Against Humanity
3B Howard Battleship
LF Carl Yahtzeestremski
CF Candyland Maldonado
RF Shin-Soo Choo and Ladders
C Ches Crist
RHP Boardwalk Brown, David Riske, Chase De Mahjong
LHP Lefty “Life” Leifield, Marshall Bridges
MGR Luke Apples to Appling
Q is the queer, quaint quiet on the street
U is Ulysses picked up (again)
A is arranging closets clean and neat
R is remembering to put on pants
A is all The Brady Bunch squares in a Zoom meeting
N is that weird neighbor/End Times prepper
T is Tiger King Tiger King (God, please stop!) Tiger King
I is inventing ways to be alone together
N is new recipes for all the beans I’ve bought
E is everything happening again in August (what a thought)
Published this week in the Quarantine Cavalcade, a humor and cartoon substack published and distributed daily by The American Bystander, America’s Best Humor Magazine. To get the Cavalcade in your inbox, go here.
As seen on Bardball.com
A hundred bucks for an obstructed seat
Cold in the shadow, then blistering heat
The pushy stat-head who needs a shower
Nine inning games that last six hours
Fans in my row with tiny bladders
The $30 million .240 batter
Ear-blistering rock soundtrack
Fourteen dollar Cracker Jacks
Security lines that go on for days
Video reviews, endless delays
Wasted bankers on company plastic
Knucklehead experts so bombastic
Lazy players, greedy owners
Chatterboxes, needy loners
Pina colada spilled down my back–
Goddamnit, I want baseball back!
Below is a little piece I pitched earlier this year, but the editor (wisely) said that it would’ve had more bite when “Westworld” premiered. As of now, the Season 3 debut looks like it’s set in a big city, with nary a horse or spittoon in sight. But being the frugal sort, I thought you might like to read it here.
WELCOME TO ROBOT COWBOY WORLD!
Welcome to Robot Cowboy World ™, the fully immersive fantasy getaway! Robot Cowboy World ™ is seamlessly designed to place our guests “smack dab” in the middle of the old Wild West, where Justice came out of the barrel of a six-gun and horses were everywhere. We have attended to every detail to make your stay authentic and enjoyable. Please read the recommendations below. With these simple guidelines in mind, you can start enjoying Robot Cowboy World™, the playground of the super-elite, whose power to purchase literally anything still leaves them unfulfilled, and whose violent fantasies are our mission to indulge.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
(a little something cooked up, but a little too late for the news cycle)
MEMO FROM CHICAGO MAYOR LORI LIGHTFOOT
TO: ALL CITY DEPARTMENTS AND STAFF
RE: COYOTES AND THE MEDIA
As you all know, Chicago has had a case of “coyote fever” this week. After a child was bitten near the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum in Lincoln Park, as well as a man in Streeterville, the media have depicted our city is a high-plains outpost after supply lines are cut. While this is a multi-faceted problem with no easy solution, I would encourage staff to emphasize some (or all) of the following talking points in their interactions with the media, which highlight the benefits of having a coyote population in one of the most expensive pieces of real estate in the world.
I think with a little forethought, we can all maintain a positive spin on this, at least until the beginning of alligator season.
1B Ángel Echevarria
2B Ángel Santos
SS Ángel Berroa
3B Ángel Sánchez
LF Ángel Mangual
CF Ángel Pagan
RF Rubén Ángel Sierra
C Ángel Peña
PH “Pearly” Gates Brown
RHP Ángel Sanchez, Ángel Castro, Ángel Nesbitt, Ángel Guzman
LHP Ángel Miranda, Miguel Ángel Cuellar, Ángel Moreno
MGR Felipe Alou-lujah
Airan Wright, my partner in illustrative crime (my book covers, Single White Vigilante, and this very website), has been busy with Inktober over on Instragram. His portrait of Rex below was drawn for the prompt “Mindless.” Not sure if I can take that as a compliment.
Looking forward to a nice weekend at Wizard World Chicago, mingling with like-minded freaks, clowns and divas. Writing is a solitary activity, so it’s always enjoyable to talk with people who like things a little weird and might enjoy Rex Koko, Private Clown and Politically Correct Bedtime Stories.
I’m sorry that I don’t have a new volume of Rex Koko to show people, but I did have these stickers designed by the awesome Airan Wright (my book designer and the artist behind Single White Vigilante). Come by Booth B27 in Artist Alley and you too could claim one of these adhesive beauties.
The All-Star Break gives us the time
For savoring athletics sublime
Rememb’ring blasts
We’ve had in the past
And recalling Bud Selig is slime.
Got a nice package in the mail this week. A fan named Kirsten sent me all the stickers below, of characters from Politically Correct Bedtime Stories. We had connected over Instagram, and she’d said she mail them. But I didn’t expect so many, as well as the beautiful card of Medusa!
Check out her page at Etsy for more of her beautiful things. Thanks, Kirsten!
For all you fans of “Rex Koko, Private Clown” — and if you aren’t a fan, may I politely suggest you get on the stick? — a big treat is just around the corner.
The American Bystander is the funniest magazine in America today. Every issue is packed with short- and long-form humor from the best writers around. Alums from Letterman, the Daily Show, the Onion, the Simpsons, the New Yorker, plus cartoonists like Sam Gross, Rick Geary, MK Brown, Rich Sparks and more. You can get it through a Patreon subscription, which you can check out right here. You can also get a sample copy or PDF by contacting the publisher at the website above.
For the past couple of issues, I have been proud to be published by the Bystander. But now comes the Big Bertha. Issue #10 will present a complete Rex Koko short story entitled “The Tiny Taxi of Justice”!
Is there a flashy murder? Sure
Is there a despicable villain? Oh, yeah!
Does Rex turn to his Top Town pals, like Lotta, Bingo and new character Eddie Echo , to try and right this wrong? Whaddya think, rube! Right there, in front of the Club Bimbo!
The artwork for the story is below, done up by the wonderful Joe Oesterle. If you’re a fan of humor, you really need to check out The American Bystander. It’s a bountiful smorgasbord of belly laughs.
Here’s a great review of Rex Koko #3 from the pages of White Tops, the magazine of the Circus Fans Association of America. Now, you might think that an audience of circus fans would be a slam-dunk, that they’d like anything associated with the big top. But you’d be wrong. They are experts, and they will call out something hinky in a New York minute, just like any other expert would do. Luckily, the fans at CFA know what I’m trying to do and, while they will caution that kinkers are not as desperate and crime-prone as I paint them, they enjoy the feel of the world of Top Town and the larger-than-life characters who live there. They’ve seen them, but with less murder in general. I’m very happy that they are fans of Rex.
The veteran White Sox broadcaster, with a wide repertoire of strange turns of phrase, retired as of this year.
A hero on the Sout’ Side of town
Hawk was a homer renowned
For phrases he’d rain
But he never explained:
What the hell was I s’posed to “strap down”?
and if you aren’t reading Bardball every day for your up-to-the-minute baseball doggerel, what’s your excuse?
Mickey Lolich
Sure knew how to pitch
And after mowing down opponents
He retired to make the donuts.
Mickey Stanley
Really came in handy.
Move to shortstop from center field?
Hey, Mayo, no big deal!
Stormin’ Norman Cash
All muscle, no flash
A steady squint, a Texas drawl
And a hunk of chaw to finish it all.
Bill Freehan
Was quite the he-man
Proud to stand up and block
The plate from Lou Brock.
Denny McLain
Was a royal pain–
A rip-off artist, a fraud, a sumbitch–
But in ’68, the bastard knew how to pitch.
Al Kaline
Hit .379
Drove in eight runs
And deserved every bit of his fun.
1B Johnny Mize
2B Joey Cora
SS Didi Gregorious
3B Ramon Castro
LF Tommy Davis
CF Johnny Damon
RF Johnny Callison
RHP Ramon Martinez, Tommy Hunter, Joey Hamilton, Mark Fidrych (honorary)
LHP Tommy John, Ramon de los Santos, Johnny Vander Meer
Mgr. Tommy Lasorda