(a little something cooked up, but a little too late for the news cycle)
MEMO FROM CHICAGO MAYOR LORI LIGHTFOOT
TO: ALL CITY DEPARTMENTS AND STAFF
RE: COYOTES AND THE MEDIA
As you all know, Chicago has had a case of “coyote fever” this week. After a child was bitten near the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum in Lincoln Park, as well as a man in Streeterville, the media have depicted our city is a high-plains outpost after supply lines are cut. While this is a multi-faceted problem with no easy solution, I would encourage staff to emphasize some (or all) of the following talking points in their interactions with the media, which highlight the benefits of having a coyote population in one of the most expensive pieces of real estate in the world.
- Coyotes are a prominent segment of Illinois’ population that has not declined since the last census, thus proving that Chicago is still a vibrant and attractive place to live. (Something to mull for the future: Ways to tax them?)
- We should extend congratulations to the Nature Museum for actually fostering interaction between its visitors and nature, if only indirectly and accidentally. Granted, this is a bit more intense than the butterfly habitat, a little more “Red in tooth and claw” than many people are comfortable with, but it has generated a great deal of free publicity for the museum already. No more boring field trips!
- The presence of coyotes saves the city a great deal of revenue by keeping down the rabbit population in Lincoln Park. Seriously, the place would look like “Watership Down” without them, as the Departments of Animal Control and Streets and San will attest. So unless residents want the park to look like some dystopian rabbit planet, the coyotes provide a vital service at no cost (at least until we hear from the bitten child’s lawyer).
- Think of the many ways the presence of the coyotes can help the local economy: Midnight nature tours (accented with the howls of the zoo’s red wolves and all the little lapdogs in the Belden-Stratford). Sales of infrared binoculars. Late night picnics with quick cleanup. And need I say, GLAMPING!?
- The coyotes could provide a boon to the arts. Audio sampling of coyote howls could spark a new phase of Chicago music innovation–house music succeeded by “howls music”? Likewise, animation students at Columbia College could seize this opportunity to study animal motion in the wild, with just a couple of crates of ACME Rocket Roller Skates as bait.
- One final note: please be certain to keep Jussie Smollett’s lawyer out of this situation! Streeterville and the city as a whole are looking crazy enough as it is.
I think with a little forethought, we can all maintain a positive spin on this, at least until the beginning of alligator season.