Clerihews for the 1968 Tigers

Mickey Lolich
Sure knew how to pitch
And after mowing down opponents
He retired to make the donuts.

Mickey Stanley
Really came in handy.
Move to shortstop from center field?
Hey, Mayo, no big deal!

Stormin’ Norman Cash
All muscle, no flash
A steady squint, a Texas drawl
And a hunk of chaw to finish it all.

Bill Freehan
Was quite the he-man
Proud to stand up and block
The plate from Lou Brock.

Denny McLain
Was a royal pain–
A rip-off artist, a fraud, a sumbitch–
But in ’68, the bastard knew how to pitch.

Al Kaline
Hit .379
Drove in eight runs
And deserved every bit of his fun.

Tribute to the Late Tigers Broadcaster Paul Carey

downloadThe Detroit Tigers have had up and down years for the past few decades, but one area they’ve been blessed in is broadcasting. Ernie Harwell was on the radio when I was growing up, and his voice meant vacations, hot nights, Dad’s cigarette smoke, and driving with the windows down. Ask anyone in Michigan and northern Ohio about it.

But Ernie’s partner for many years was Paul Carey. His bass to Ernie’s southern tenor was the perfect match, and while he didn’t tell all kinds of baseball stories like Ernie, he was still a consummate broadcaster. And by all accounts, as fine a man as Ernie was, and his closest friend. Godspeed, Paul, and thanks for all your wonderful work through the years.

Today on Bardball:

The Voice of God
.
RIP Paul Carey (1928-2016), long-time Tigers radio announcer.
.
The roar of a Rouge Plant furnace
Birthing a Thunderbird
.
The muscle roll of Gitchee Gumee
Festooned in spray
.
The ancient trees deep-rooted
Strummed like a lyre
.
The tectonic rumble of two peninsulas
Alive in summer

Your Daily Affirmation, from Brad Ausmus

Don’t be glum
Don’t ask why
Albuquerque’s just a 6th inning guy

Don’t you fret
Don’t you worry
After the 7th, we’ll turn to Soria

Don’t lose hope
Just have faith — when
It’s down to one inning, we’ll bring in Nathan

No matter where
Or what or when,
I’m skipper, and would do it all again.

The Blanking Tygers

Tygers, Tygers, slinking low,
Humbled by the sailing O’s,
What makeup will yours be now
If Max and V-Mart take their bows?

We scarce knew you through this year
with superstars bought so dear.
With Triple Crowns and Cy Youngs
The faithful still bit their tongues.

What staff ace learns yet in May
He must recast how to play?
Which outfielder is there that
Can deftly wield both glove ‘n bat?

What cast of manager says,
“Pinch hit? Call Hernan Perez!”
And what manner of bullpen
Features Joba Chamberlain????

Tygers, Tygers, slinking low,
All these questions we would know,
Plus the reason for the fact
Ausmus has a long contract.

Tigers and A’s: As the Rotations Turn

Today, at BARDBALL:

Scherzer, Sanchez, Price and Verlander
An A-Team from Mr. I for all Michiganders

Sanchez, Scherzer, Verlander and Price
Dombrowski bets big with each roll of the dice

Verlander, Price, Scherzer, Sanchez
A squad made in heaven, so everyone says

Price, Sanchez, Verlander and Scherzer
Beef up the starters, the pen can’t get worser

Lester, Samardzija, Gray and Kazmir
Give the green-and-gold faithful reason to cheer

Samardzija, Gray, Kazmir and Lester
The A’s try not to let past losses fester

Kazmir, Lester, Samardzija and Gray
A huge power shift to the east in the Bay

Gray, Kazmir, Lester, Samardzija
Giving the rest of the AL neuralgia

It’s “win and win now”
They’re swinging their willies
And trying to ignore
The Phate of the Phillies.

Talking Political Correctness at Grand Valley State

Think political correctness is dead? Think again, pally. There’s been lots of news to take apart and make fun of, both on the left and the right. (Remember, extremism and identity politics is an equal opportunity befuddler now.)

So last week, I traveled up to Grand Rapids, Michigan, to talk to the nice people at Grand Forum, which is a speakers series run throughout the year at the GR campus of Grand Valley State University. More than a hundred folks spent part of their morning, listening to me carp and mock and jape and chaff. It was a great time, with both the speech and the Q&A afterward. AND folks bought a lot of books, both PCBS and Honk Honk, My Darling, which is a great way to win the heart of a writer, in case you had any question about that.

This appearance was especially enjoyable because I have a lot of family up in the area. So, my in-laws, my aunt, cousins, my niece and nephew and his girlfriend were all there, as well as an old college friend that I’ve reconnected with (and who has been a huge promoter and beta reader of Rex Koko). They remarked that it was interesting to see me up their in my “public” persona. In other words, shaved and wearing pants.

The funniest part of the morning was all the self-effacing West Michiganders who kept asking me, incredulously, “And you drove all the way up from Chicago for us?” Yes, I really did. Lake Wobegon has got nothing on these folks. Thanks again for having me up there, Grand Forum.

Because It’s Been Too Long: BARDBALL!

It’s been a while since I posted one of my poems from Bardball here. Not that I haven’t been working on keeping the site alive and growing, but because I’m starting to lose track of all the online venues I’m supposed to feed material to. The Internet is starting to feel like Audrey II, with constant cries of “FEED MEEEE!”

Anyway, here’s a fresh one from yesterday’s White Sox-Tigers game, possibly the most important game between them this year:

Madre de Dios! Ese Alex Rios!

Among Omar Infante’s dislikes
Must be incoming baserunners – Yikes!
To dodge getting maimed
Cost the Bengals the game –
One of inches, and feet wearing spikes.

Workcamp in the D

This week Number One Son has been on a mission workcamp deal. Normally, these trips take high schoolers to run-down, desolate parts of the country, like Indian reservations and Appalachian villages. But this year, that desolate part of the country happens to be my hometown, Detroit. Motown. The Big D.

So this week, I’ve felt both pride and nostalgia for the place that formed me, a little guilt for having moved away so long ago, and despair that my kid and all the kids with him right now will never understand the treasures that that city held back in its day.

That last emotion may be common to all people as they get older. It’s not just some nostalgia for the way things were “back in my day”. It’s more an awareness that there’s a continuum of culture, that the way we live now has its roots in the choices that were made in the past. It’s also the awareness that civilization is fragile, accomplishments fade, and the American “Way of Life” can leave a lot of places and people on the scrap pile.


When I was born, Detroit was the 4th largest city in the nation, bigger than Los Angeles. The downtown Hudson’s Store was one of the biggest department stores in the country. The riverfront was full of factories (I remember a Uniroyal tire factory sitting odoriferously next to the bridge to Belle Isle). The Bob-Lo Boat took people downriver to Bob-Lo Island all spring and summer. We had Motown, the MC5, Alice Cooper, Parliament/Funkadelic. Overall, the place was ALIVE! Just like Bob Seger said, We were making Thunderbirds.

Now the place is a case study of “ruin porn.” To catalog all the problems and scandals of the past 20 years would send you into a fetal position, and for it to come from an exile like me would be completely inauthentic.

But I hope the kids on the workcamp can catch a glimpse of what the place had been, and what it could still be. People in Detroit are crazy and tenacious. They’ve had the rug pulled out from under them so many times that they might as well stay on the floor. But they don’t. It’s our largest industrial city in decline, which means there’s a certain critical mass there. Which means it might take longer to turn it around, but once it gets going, it will be hard to stop.

“Prairie Home Companion” at Interlochen

Yesterday I drove up to northern Michigan, to drop off Number One Son at Interlochen for his week of sketching, drawing, painting and all around visual excitement. For those who haven’t been up to that school, it’s a campus-like feeling in the pines there, less like a camp than the boarding school it is. Spiffy and new, a mecca for tasteful patrons of the arts.

In their bandshell, the first concert of the season was “A Prairie Home Companion”. Some part of me resisted buying a ticket to this show until the last minute, but I finally decided to stick around and watch. I bought the ticket 3 days before the concert, and there were all of 4 tickets left. They were in Row G, and were more than I intended to spend, but I’m grateful it worked out. I was about 30 feet from the stage, and it was an awesome evening. If I’d had my honey and my daughter with me, it would have been perfect.

Doing some math, I realize I’ve seen Garrison Keillor now four times, in four different locales: St. Paul and Chicago in the 80s, New York (or Brooklyn?) in the early 90s, and now Interlochen. He’s planning on retiring, I had heard, so I figured it would be worthwhile to see him one last time. The setting was gorgeous, the evening weather was perfect, and all of the musical acts were sublime (except for Robin & Linda Williams, who had all the presence of margarine and looked like a couple people who repped pet toys at conventions, though Keillor’s comfort with them was unmistakeable).

Most of all, it was supremely enjoyable to watch Keillor perform. His stage demeanor was much warmer than I ever remember it. He was having a great time, and did a good job interacting with the audience and the young musical performers. Pacing back and forth as he told the news from Lake Woebegon, it was like he was telling a story at a cocktail party. A highlight (as you might expect for me) was watching him try and stump Fred Newman, his sound FX guy, with ever-more-elaborate vocalizations. I didn’t realize the subtle labial variations required for sounds of an outboard motor, a chainsaw, and embarrassing stomach noises. (I still can’t figure out how he made the dead-on sound of a truck backing up.) The other actors were great fun, too, especially when they performed highlights from movies filmed in northern Michigan (“Muskie Man” and “The Buddy System”). I listened to the repeat of the show today, by accident, and got the fuller effect of seeing it all in my mind. Coupling the sound with the memories of last night were a real charge to the imagination. In fact, listening to the whole show, I forced myself to remember everything I could–what performers were wearing, what the harpist’s brown hands looked like on the strings, when performers laughed, the signs in the background for Guy’s Shoes and the Catchup Advisory Board. It felt like flexing a strong muscle, warm and enjoyable.

With a career as long as Keillor’s, it’s easy to focus on a few faults. Sure, he’s corny. He coasts a lot of the time (I never have to hear “Da Doo Ron Ron” again please — I can’t stand any more boomers and plus-boomers trying to clap to the beat). He panders a little to his liberal, educated, arts-patron crowd. But he’s also crafty and entertaining and knows what he’s doing. More importantly, we won’t see the like of him again very soon, so I’m very thankful I went. The drive home in the dark was worth every minute. Thank you for your many years of creativity, Mr. Keillor.

For this show from Interlochen, check out videos and information here.

Happy Belated Birthday, Ernie!

Don’t know where the week went (or maybe I do, but aint tellin’), so I apologize for a lack of posting. I even forgot to wish Ernie Harwell a happy birthday, which would’ve been on Tuesday.

Wish I Was Out There on a Slow Friday

At this moment in Chicago, it’s one degree outside. That’s weird to type. Sounds more like geometry than weather. “Two Degrees”, “one below”, “minus two”–yeah, all those roll off the tongue or keyboard. But not “It’s one degree.” Seems like it should lead to more comments or explanation, but it doesn’t.

With a couple exceptions, it’s been below freezing around here since Thanksgiving. The ice on the lake at the cottage must be like a mile thick now. At Christmastime it was strong enough to hold our weight walking all the way across, which was a first in my memory. It was smooth and clear and free of snow or scraping piles of frost. It gave me the chance to try ice fishing for the first time. Here I am with my trusty ice dog:

Man, did my dog have fun running around on the ice. He’s 12 or 13, but he acted like a mad dog out there, running full bore and slipping and crashing. Getting a walk in cold weather doesn’t thrill him, but playing out there with him has always been a joy.

I wish I were out there now, instead of splitting my attention between 15 things around the basement mezzanine office and getting very little done. Of course, out there I’d be getting NOTHING done, but it would have my full attention!

White Out: A Sidetrip to Starvation Lake

Earlier this fall, Bryan Gruley released the second book in his mystery series about a journalist in a small northern Michigan town. I liked the first title, Starvation Lake, very much, but like the second, The Hanging Tree, even more. Which is odd because the mechanics of the second mystery are a little less satisfying than the first. But the characters in The Hanging Tree were so deftly scripted, and their daily lives laid out with such believability, that I think the book is just terrific.

I’m not the only one, either. It was named one of the Michigan Notable Books of the Year, and listed as one of the Best Mysteries of the Year by Kirkus Reviews. There are probably a couple other accolades I’ve forgotten, but hey, call his publicist.

Bryan’s a friend of mine, so sure, I’m going to give his book a plug. But I also sincerely like these books. You don’t have to be a Michigander or a hockey fan to enjoy them (though it helps — I’m only one of those two). Bryan is a terrific storyteller with a deep personal affection for his characters and the lives they find themselves in, something that can’t be faked.

A couple months ago, I joked with Bryan about organizing excursions to Starvation Lake, Michigan, to show all the sites to the book’s fans. (Jon Berendt made this a sort of cottage industry with Savannah after writing Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.) Bryan scoffed at the idea, and made a self-deprecating comment about needing a few more readers.

But I personally wanted to see the fictional town of Starvation Lake. Somehow the descriptions in the second book challenged my assumptions and made it hard to visualize it further. The road is where? You can see THAT from HERE? Etc.

So over Christmas break on the way back from skiing up north, I took my family on a little side trip to the actual Starvation Lake. We got off US 131 in Mancelona, hoping to come at it from the north. Things were pretty snow covered up there. I don’t know how many of you live in places where there are official snowmobile paths laid crossing the highway, but there were plenty up there. We went about 5 miles, realized we missed the turnoff, turned around and went down a road that wasn’t exactly paved but had farmhouses on it. So, you know, civilization.

Well, it stayed snow covered, then it veered back west when we wanted to go south. So I forged ahead on what looked like a single-lane road, not uncommon in the country. It was pretty rutty and rocky. We passed another farmhouse or two as the trees got to be a little thicker. it was a guessing game which roads were more “official” and likely to coincide with the map. I saw some stop signs in the distance, which was comforting, but they weren’t standard size. Maybe the county was saving money on the back roads by putting up mini-signs? Some routes were very evidently for snow-mobiles, and some not so evidently.

found at Visitgaylord.comEveryone in the car but me was getting worried that we’d be sending Christmas Eve either stuck in the frost-bitten Michigan outback or in a hospital from an accident. I’ve been on slippier roads, but not recently and not sober. I turned east on what looked like a major road–by that I mean it was wide and had tracks on it and everything–and followed that winding path until we dead-ended at a small oil pump bobbing it’s head arthritically amid the snow and dried cattails.

Okay, at this point I was persuaded that maybe this Kit Carson route wasn’t the best way to go, so we tried to find our way back. I did a Y-turn at the oil pump and didn’t end up stuck. Chalk one up for 35 years of winter driving. Just before a fork in the road, we caught a glimpse of a half-dozen snowmobilers blasting through the snow about 20 yards away. I slowed and stopped and gave the right of way, as if we were both on the roads designated for us. I still resolutely denied that I was driving on a snowmobile trail. I was on the road for the oil trucks, y’betcha.

I found our way back to a road with a real name (I’m pretty good with directions), and we drove all the way back to Mancelona. But I absolutely had to see the place by now, even though it was eating into our time to return and get ready for Christmas Eve. We took another left eastward off 131 and plowed on for a few miles. The road was still snow covered, but in certain patches you could see that there was indeed a paved road under it. Such City Slickers, needing pavement! After a while, we saw the sign for a Starvation Lake supper Club (“Champs”? I don’t remember), and followed the signs. They advertised “The Best Hamburgers in the World”, and judging by the cars in the lot, they must’ve been cooking something right (unless everyone was already getting tanked up for the holiday). We were still full from the gigantic bismarcks and bearclaws we’d bought in Petoskey at the beginning of the trip home, so we didn’t stop at the bar. I drove around Starvation Lake, hoping to maybe see the Gruley name on a mailbox or garage, but it was not to be. I even looked for the “hanging tree” the book is named after, but without luck. That will have to wait for another trip.

Found at http://www.twoeyeballs.com/art/zenphoto/the-fifty-u/michigan.jpg.phpI knew there was no real town called Starvation Lake. Bryan has said he modeled the town after another nearby city. Just guessing on the map, I thought he meant nearby Twin Lake. Which is good. Starvation Lake has exactly two commercial buildings. Both taverns. Twin Lake has two taverns AND a provisions store.

Bryan must have been modeling the town after the nearby city of Mancelona. That place has brick buildings housing diners and insurance companies and hardware stores and the like. But it’s a little too big, and it sits alongside the US highway and not on the shore of a good-sized glacier-carved lake, so it can’t help in painting a mental image for me. (BTW, the actual Starvation Lake was absolutely gorgeous in the winter sunlight, sunk below the bluffs and curving subtly so it can’t all be seen from any one vantage point.) For now, it’s all in Bryan’s head, and I’ll just have to reread the books if I want a snapshot.

Photo of snowmobile trail from www.visitGaylord.com.

Linoleum print of Michigan, one of a 50-state series, found at Two Eyeballs.