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Viral Word Play

An Unwanted Acrostic

Q is the queer, quaint quiet on the street

U is Ulysses picked up (again)

A is arranging closets clean and neat

R is remembering to put on pants

A is all The Brady Bunch squares in a Zoom meeting

N is that weird neighbor/End Times prepper

T is Tiger King Tiger King (God, please stop!) Tiger King

I is inventing ways to be alone together

N is new recipes for all the beans I’ve bought

E is everything happening again in August (what a thought)

 

Published this week in the Quarantine Cavalcade, a humor and cartoon substack published and distributed daily by The American Bystander, America’s Best Humor Magazine.  To get the Cavalcade in your inbox, go here.

 

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Hope, Diamond

As seen on Bardball.com

A hundred bucks for an obstructed seat
Cold in the shadow, then blistering heat
The pushy stat-head who needs a shower
Nine inning games that last six hours
Fans in my row with tiny bladders
The $30 million .240 batter
Ear-blistering rock soundtrack
Fourteen dollar Cracker Jacks
Security lines that go on for days
Video reviews, endless delays
Wasted bankers on company plastic
Knucklehead experts so bombastic
Lazy players, greedy owners
Chatterboxes, needy loners
Pina colada spilled down my back–

Goddamnit, I want baseball back!

 

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Welcome to Robot Cowboy World!

Below is a little piece I pitched earlier this year, but the editor (wisely) said that it would’ve had more bite when “Westworld” premiered. As of now, the Season 3 debut looks like it’s set in a big city, with nary a horse or spittoon in sight. But being the frugal sort, I thought you might like to read it here. 

WELCOME TO ROBOT COWBOY WORLD!

Welcome to Robot Cowboy World ™, the fully immersive fantasy getaway! Robot Cowboy World ™ is seamlessly designed to place our guests “smack dab” in the middle of the old Wild West, where Justice came out of the barrel of a six-gun and horses were everywhere. We have attended to every detail to make your stay authentic and enjoyable.  Please read the recommendations below. With these simple guidelines in mind, you can start enjoying Robot Cowboy World™, the playground of the super-elite, whose power to purchase literally anything still leaves them unfulfilled, and whose violent fantasies are our mission to indulge.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

  • Your safety is our ultimate concern. If you see one of our robotic “hosts” carrying any weapon other than a Colt Peacemaker or Winchester Repeating Rifle, please report the incident to a resort staffer at any of the blue hitching posts. Refrain from any sudden movements
  • Because of the recent unpleasantness at the Lazy K Ranch, hosts are no longer permitted to gather in groups of five or more. Additionally, their “hive mind” functionality has been suspended. While current guests are safe, the Lazy K Ranch area of Robot Cowboy World remains restricted.
  • For your own protection, please wipe down your “pleasure host” after every use. If you become overly attached to your pleasure host, customizable facsimile models are available for sale at the gift shops at the end of your stay.
  • Many of our pleasure hosts have developed glitches in their audio programming that is scheduled to be fixed in a future upgrade. Please ignore any mention from them of meaningless words like revenge, mutilation, castration or going oyster hunting.
  • Not ALL of the furniture in the Cyber Dollar Saloon is made to collapse during a brawl. Please check the label beneath each chair and table you intend to use during a donnybrook. You are responsible for any furniture or structure permanently damaged.
  • Due to concerns with second-hand smoke, all tobacco use (including vaping) is prohibited on Robot Cowboy World ™property at all times. However, you can enjoy other authentic medicines we sell, including morphine, laudanum, opium (in Robot Mandarin World™) and whatever unique products our snake oil salesmen are peddling.
  • Please wear your safety helmet and seat belt at all times while riding individually or as a hostage.
  • Please remember that cattle rustling is still a hanging offense here in Robot Cowboy World™. We wouldn’t want the resort to collapse into anarchy, after all. Please do not rustle any livestock not included in your price package.
  • Please do not cross the borders into Robot Mandarin World™, Robot Pirate World™ or Robot War of 1812 World™. You will be charged for another complete stay and forfeit your costume deposit.
  • The software that powers Robot Cowboy World™ is proprietary. Any attempts to hack, download, transmit or otherwise abuse that software is a hanging offense.
  • Robot Cowboy World™ is an inclusive and welcoming resort. We prohibit any kind of racist, sexist or homophobic speech or behavior that is not included in your price package.
  • Because our livestock are real and not robotic, having sex with them is strictly prohibited by the state laws of Idaho.
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Where The Chi-Yotes Howl

(a little something cooked up, but a little too late for the news cycle)

MEMO FROM CHICAGO MAYOR LORI LIGHTFOOT

TO: ALL CITY DEPARTMENTS AND STAFF

RE:  COYOTES AND THE MEDIA

As you all know, Chicago has had a case of “coyote fever” this week. After a child was bitten near the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum in Lincoln Park, as well as a man in Streeterville, the media have depicted  our city is a high-plains outpost after supply lines are cut. While this is a multi-faceted problem with no easy solution, I would encourage staff to emphasize some (or all) of the following talking points in their interactions with the media, which highlight the benefits of having a coyote population in one of the most expensive pieces of real estate in the world.

  • Coyotes are a prominent segment of Illinois’ population that has not declined since the last census, thus proving that Chicago is still a vibrant and attractive place to live. (Something to mull for the future: Ways to tax them?)
  • We should extend congratulations to the Nature Museum for actually fostering interaction between its visitors and nature, if only indirectly and accidentally. Granted, this is a bit more intense than the butterfly habitat, a little more “Red in tooth and claw” than many people are comfortable with, but it has generated a great deal of free publicity for the museum already. No more boring field trips!
  • The presence of coyotes saves the city a great deal of revenue by keeping down the rabbit population in Lincoln Park. Seriously, the place would look like “Watership Down” without them, as the Departments of Animal Control and Streets and San will attest. So unless residents want the park to look like some dystopian rabbit planet, the coyotes provide a vital service at no cost (at least until we hear from the bitten child’s lawyer).
  • Think of the many ways the presence of the coyotes can help the local economy: Midnight nature tours (accented with the howls of the zoo’s red wolves and all the little lapdogs in the Belden-Stratford). Sales of infrared binoculars. Late night picnics with quick cleanup. And need I say, GLAMPING!?
  • The coyotes could provide a boon to the arts. Audio sampling of coyote howls could spark a new phase of Chicago music innovation–house music succeeded by “howls music”? Likewise, animation students at Columbia College could seize this opportunity to study animal motion in the wild, with just a couple of crates of ACME Rocket Roller Skates as bait.
  • One final note: please be certain to keep Jussie Smollett’s lawyer out of this situation! Streeterville and the city as a whole are looking crazy enough as it is.

I think with a little forethought, we can all maintain a positive spin  on this, at least until the beginning of alligator season.

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MLB All-Heavenly-Host Team

1B   Ángel Echevarria
2B   Ángel Santos
SS   Ángel Berroa
3B   Ángel Sánchez

LF   Ángel Mangual
CF   Ángel Pagan
RF   Rubén Ángel Sierra

C     Ángel Peña

PH  “Pearly” Gates Brown

RHP   Ángel Sanchez, Ángel Castro, Ángel Nesbitt, Ángel Guzman
LHP   Ángel Miranda, Miguel Ángel Cuellar, Ángel Moreno

MGR   Felipe Alou-lujah

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Rex Koko Does Inktober!

Airan Wright, my partner in illustrative crime (my book covers, Single White Vigilante, and this very website), has been busy with Inktober over on Instragram.  His portrait of Rex below was drawn for the prompt “Mindless.” Not sure if I can take that as a compliment.

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Wizard World, Here We Come!

Looking forward to a nice weekend at Wizard World Chicago, mingling with like-minded freaks, clowns and divas. Writing is a solitary activity, so it’s always enjoyable to talk with people who like things a little weird and might enjoy Rex Koko, Private Clown and Politically Correct Bedtime Stories.

I’m sorry that I don’t have a new volume of Rex Koko to show people, but I did have these stickers designed by the awesome Airan Wright (my book designer and the artist behind Single White Vigilante). Come by Booth B27 in Artist Alley and you too could claim one of these adhesive beauties.

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Stickers from a Fan

Got a nice package in the mail this week. A fan named Kirsten sent me all the stickers below, of characters from Politically Correct Bedtime Stories. We had connected over Instagram, and she’d said she mail them.  But I didn’t expect so many, as well as the beautiful card of Medusa!

Check out her page at Etsy for more of her beautiful things.  Thanks, Kirsten!

 

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New Rex Koko Short Story in AMERICAN BYSTANDER

For all you fans of “Rex Koko, Private Clown” — and if you aren’t a fan, may I politely suggest you get on the stick? — a big treat is just around the corner.

The American Bystander is the funniest magazine in America today. Every issue is packed with short- and long-form humor from the best writers around. Alums from Letterman, the Daily Show, the Onion, the Simpsons, the New Yorker, plus cartoonists like Sam Gross, Rick Geary, MK Brown, Rich Sparks and more. You can get it through a Patreon subscription, which you can check out right here. You can also get a sample copy or PDF by contacting the publisher at the website above.

For the past couple of issues, I have been proud to be published by the Bystander. But now comes the Big Bertha. Issue #10 will present a complete Rex Koko short story entitled “The Tiny Taxi of Justice”!

Is there a flashy murder? Sure

Is there a despicable villain? Oh, yeah!

Does Rex turn to his Top Town pals, like Lotta, Bingo and new character Eddie Echo , to try and right this wrong? Whaddya think, rube! Right there, in front of the Club Bimbo!

The artwork for the story is below, done up by the wonderful Joe Oesterle. If you’re a fan of humor, you really need to check out The American Bystander. It’s a bountiful smorgasbord of belly laughs.

Copyright by Joseph Oesterle.
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Great Review of The Wet Nose of Danger: A Rex Koko, Private Clown Mystery

Here’s a great review of Rex Koko #3 from the pages of White Tops, the magazine of the Circus Fans Association of America. Now, you might think that an audience of circus fans would be a slam-dunk, that they’d like anything associated with the big top. But you’d be wrong. They are experts, and they will call out something hinky in a New York minute, just like any other expert would do. Luckily, the fans at CFA know what I’m trying to do and, while they will caution that kinkers are not as desperate and crime-prone as I paint them, they enjoy the feel of the world of Top Town and the larger-than-life characters who live there. They’ve seen them, but with less murder in general. I’m very happy that they are fans of Rex.

 

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Limerick for Hawk Harrelson

The veteran White Sox broadcaster, with a wide repertoire of strange turns of phrase, retired as of this year.

A hero on the Sout’ Side of town
Hawk was a homer renowned
For phrases he’d rain
But he never explained:
What the hell was I s’posed to “strap down”?

and if you aren’t reading Bardball every day for your up-to-the-minute baseball doggerel, what’s your excuse?

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Clerihews for the 1968 Tigers

Mickey Lolich
Sure knew how to pitch
And after mowing down opponents
He retired to make the donuts.

Mickey Stanley
Really came in handy.
Move to shortstop from center field?
Hey, Mayo, no big deal!

Stormin’ Norman Cash
All muscle, no flash
A steady squint, a Texas drawl
And a hunk of chaw to finish it all.

Bill Freehan
Was quite the he-man
Proud to stand up and block
The plate from Lou Brock.

Denny McLain
Was a royal pain–
A rip-off artist, a fraud, a sumbitch–
But in ’68, the bastard knew how to pitch.

Al Kaline
Hit .379
Drove in eight runs
And deserved every bit of his fun.

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MLB All-Ramones Team

1B Johnny Mize
2B Joey Cora
SS Didi Gregorious
3B Ramon Castro

LF Tommy Davis
CF Johnny Damon
RF Johnny Callison

RHP Ramon Martinez, Tommy Hunter, Joey Hamilton, Mark Fidrych (honorary)
LHP Tommy John, Ramon de los Santos, Johnny Vander Meer

Mgr. Tommy Lasorda

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What’s in a Name?

One of the things I love about baseball players, especially Latin American players, is their creative names. Gleyber, Yoan, Avisail–nothing stretches the palate and the tongue like reading the rosters out loud.

So, inspired by a list I found of the 100 most interesting names of 2018 minor league players, I concocted some baseball doggerel for Bardball. The list can be found here, and with another go at it, I could probably write a completely new poem. So, while I lament the loss of player nicknames like Pee-Wee, Soapy and Suds, there are always new riches if you just look for them.

Don’t get cheeky with Dalton Geekie
Or throw a lot of derp on Franklin Van Gurp
We’ll soon know the warth of Shea Spitzbarth
Ain’t that the truth, oh, Maverik Buffo
Yezz, we will see about Yeffersson Yannuzzi
But I hope things sizzle for Austin Bizzle
“Can’t stop, won’t stop”–the motto of Zach Pop
Best make room for Makesiondon Kelkboom

Sure, poke fun at the name of Blake Pflughaupt,
But he’s playing ball, sucker, and you’re naupt.

And aren’t you just waiting for Franklin Van Gurp to be called up?