Shitshows. We’ve all seen ‘em. We’re all in one now. But how to judge the finest of shitshows? I delve into the subject in the latest issue of The Toxic Avenger. This and all your favorites from Ahoy Comics are on the stands at your LCS now!
People shout, What a shitshow! You nod in agreement, not wanting to be contrary, but inside you shrug. You know what you are seeing is a thoroughly forgettable shitshow. A meh shitshow. A cobbled-together, prefab, disposable shitshow. A shitshow for chumps.
Because you know your shitshows. You consider yourself an expert, a connoisseur of the genre. You not only appreciate the finest shitshows, you’ve been writing a blog for 14 years rating the commentary tracks and behind-the-scenes specials on the world’s greatest shitshows. Nothing slips by you regarding shitshows. We get that.Subscribed
We are here to tell you today, this is the most complete and utter shitshow you have ever experienced. Hundreds of experts have spent thousands of hours, day and night, across six continents to present you with the shitshow you only saw in your dreams.
This is what you, the discerning shitshow aficionado, have been waiting for.
We hear you scoff and cluck your tongue. “’Complete and utter’? I’ve heard that before.”
Then let us explain.
When we say “Complete,” we mean it. No facet of this project was thoroughly thought out. No preparation was careful, because everything was done on the fly. No testing was ever done, or even conceived of. A good shitshow reeks of incompetence, neglect and hubris. You’ll get all this and more, in this complete and utter shitshow:
- Incompetence? Not a single expert was employed, consulted or spoken with. Years of careful analysis and terabytes of data were ignored. And to take it to the next level, we opened up our “Comments” section and incorporated every suggestion we found there.
- Neglect? It would be impossible to neglect this shitshow more and still be able to present it to you. We cheaped out on materials. We disregarded industry standards. We hired technicians who were all 4 months from retirement and couldn’t give a tinker’s damn about anything. Then we withheld the pay of those technicians, so they sabotaged everything they could on the way out.
- Hubris? No need to be modest, we are the top shitshow producers in the world. We couldn’t say it if it wasn’t true, but we would anyway. No one tops us in hubris.
“Hold on,” you say, “what besides your hubris gives you the right to call this an ‘utter’ shitshow?”
All right. In your mind, place yourself in the middle of this shitshow. Look to the left, then to the right. Look above. Look below. Look in any direction. You’ll see, hear and feel nothing – not the hope of anything else – but this shitshow. It is absolute. It is unadulterated by optimism or relief. Your imagination breaks just trying to think of anything other than this shitshow.
Friend, it is as utter as utter can get.
Shitshows come and go like this latest fashion. There exists a whole industry to promote shitshows to us, presenting themselves as the shitshow of the moment, the shitshow du jour, the NOW shitshow. This raises your expectations, of course, but always leads to disappointment. If everything is a total shitshow, then nothing is.
When your child asks, “Daddy, is this a shitshow?” what will you be able to say? Because of our digital era and late-stage capitalism, your child has been robbed of the chance to endure a complete and utter shitshow.
Until now.
Are we overhyping this shitshow? You be the judge. Contact us now, and we will deliver this complete and utter shitshow in 10 regular installments. Once the delivery of the complete and utter shitshow is done, we’re confident you’ll vouch for its quality. We’re so confident, no returns or refunds will be available. Customer representatives were never hired. And as you read this, we are getting ready to move to Delaware.
We said it was the complete and utter shitshow. We know you’ll agree.
We’re shitshow people. Just like you.