The Limerick (Testicular Trauma Division)

Great minds think alike. So do giddy, juvenile minds with too much time on their hands. So when inspired by a bizarre news item from the United Kingdom (what would we ever do without them?), the emails started flying among the stalwart members of my writers group, the Hungerdungers.

This blog entry may not be for the faint of heart. Then again, if you can handle the facts in the news item, you’ll be able to handle the rest.

First, the news item:

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: “That’s yours.”
Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

The rest of the details, and Ms. Monti’s self assessment that she’s “in no way a violent person” can be found here at the BBC.

When faced with the idea of violent gonad attacks, the Hungerdungers did what any red-blooded scribes would do, and started a-rhymin’. I’ll omit the names of the individual writers, so as not to embarrass them professionally, although a certain daily newspaper in a large Midwestern city, one that is trying to sell a baseball team it owns, might want to keep a closer eye on its employees.

There once was a fellow named Conrad.*
A young lady ripped off his gonad.
His pair now a single,
It sure didn’t tingle.
Wherefore his testicular nomad?

(*name changed to enhance the limerick)

A lady and man were in thrall
Till the dude went and ended it all,
So to get the guy back,
The broad yanked on his sack.
You could say she was having a ball

He screamed as she tore at his kit.
He knew he’d have trouble to sit.
She’d reached way down south,
Popped the thing in her mouth.
Swallow? No, this time she spit.

Oh caution, if you are a vegan!
Beware ye of testicle snaggin’!
For its slang name is meat.
There’s no need to repeat…
Else they’ll ask you, dear veg, “How’s it hangin’?”

As one of the Hungerdungers pointed out, this could go on nad infinitum.