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Yes, Virginia, There is a Patrick Fitzgerald

Some arresting television this morning, as Governor Blago is nabbed outside his house by the FBI. In one of those moments that will stick in my head forever, like John Lennon’s killing and the first OJ verdict, I found myself in line at the Ravenswood Post Office buying Christmas stamps–the ones with the little nutcrackers on them–when I heard the news on the radio. Since then, I’ve had to pull myself away from the TV a couple of times, just so I don’t veg out enjoying the spectacle of a complete ass being hauled off by the feds for making a complete ass of himself ON TAPE, within the past six weeks, about trying to leverage the vacant Senate seat for his own gain.

It’s a present the whole state can enjoy.

At first I thought, “It’s about time!” This “reform” governor has been about nothing but money and his own future since he unpacked his bags in Springfield. But maybe this is just about the right moment. If it had happened any earlier, his sleaze and stupid hubris would’ve reflected badly on Barack Obama and maybe cost him the election. Any later, and the douchebag would’ve already appointed our new senator (or appointed himself) and we’d be stuck with that stain for who knows how long?

Will this shitstorm in any way effect Obama? Hard to say right now. The TV talking heads were saying this morning that Blago reached out to Rahm Emmanuel for a lifeline, but was cut off. Then US Attorney Fitzgerald decided to haul Blago in before he could do anything stupider than he’s already done. Which, if his past record of bonehead brazen moves is any indication, would have been a doozy.

And all this legal action is related only to his appointment of a new senator, as well as pressuring the Tribune to quit being so mean to him in print. It has nothing to do with all the years of investigations about everyday pay-to-play corruption that Fitzgerald’s been conducting. Astounding! Evil! Audacious!

With the thickness of that head and skin, and the brassiness of his balls, there HAS to be a way to turn his “gifts” for the forces of goodness and not evil. If life were like a Marvel comic, he’d be the stupid weightlifter type who joins the Avengers, then sells out to the Masters of Evil, then back again, and again…..

But this is the real world, and this monkey’s going to Disneyland. He shore has a purty mouth.

The Fitzgerald press conference is just starting! Gotta go pop the popcorn!

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A Budding Pat Oliphant?

On election night last week, the family was scattered around the living room, paying as much attention as they could to history being made. My kids (aged 10 and 13) surprised me by how much they enjoyed watching the talking heads stall for time and play with their big Etch-a-Sketches of the USA–but they also surprised me with how much they new about the electoral college, Congress and the rest of the arcana of our grand old land. They certainly knew more than me at that age.

Killing time as we waited for the polls on the West Coast to close and Obama named the winner, Number One Son grabbed a piece of newspaper and quickly sketched the caricatures of the four candidates shown below. He said he’d been working on them in school for a week or so, to amuse his classmates, and had perfected a few but not all. Looks like he could be on his way to being the first manga-inspired editorial cartoonist (but I can’t tell whether Joe Biden at the bottom is answering questions or summoning the mystic energies of a long-dead sorcerer to channel through his lapel flag pin).

A reference to Obama’s home state.

Not quite crotchety enough.

Price tags a nice touch.

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No Wonder the Right Thinks We’re Pussies

One of my worst memories of the 2004 election–the second worst, actually, and by a very wide margin–was everyone on the web who started apologizing to Europe and the rest of the world for electing Bush again. All those po’ faced students in their dorm rooms, holding up hand-scrawled notes of apology to the rest of mankind, just because the election didn’t go like it “should” have. “We’re Sorry, Europe! Don’t hate us!” Apparently they even published a book with these little solicitations, perfect for passive-aggressive Francophiles everywhere. I’m sure the foreign image of the rugged American spirit was vastly improved by such whimperings.

I didn’t have long to wait for a web-based, grass-roots show of mealymouthed pussitude to emerge in 2008. Even though the Democratic candidate won, there had to be some way for leftists to show that they really can be clueless and masochistic. This morning, I found it.

At the website of one zefrank, progressive and otherwise slaphappy viewers are invited to submit pictures of themselves with notes to those in the Red States, offering hands of friendship and uplifting civic attitudes. “From52to48” messages include “We’re not that Different, You and I”, “We need one another”, “We can only do it together,” and “Dear 48, You Complete Me, Love 52.”

Gawd, please STFU. (That’s not an acronym I use often or lightly, but since we’re being all webby here…)

People, listen. The election is less than 48 hours from being finished. It was a close one, and an expensive one, but history was made. It was hard fought and hard earned. Don’t take it lightly, or assume it means an era of enlightenment for us all.

For the past two months, the right has called Obama everything from a baby-eater to a Marxist to an evil hypnotist to a Muslim sleeper agent. They’ve touted the idea that his wife runs around talking to third-world journalists and freely uses the word “Whitey” with them. They’ve said Obama hates his country, even as he engaged in and triumphed in the process that makes this a unique place on earth. Do you think all that hate was just “politics as usual”? Do you think that now, with McCain reverting to the “real” McCain and Palin off to smoke the year’s moose jerky, they’ll want to lick their wounds and their embarrassment alongside you in your little latte-powered salon? That everyone is as reasonable and open-minded as you obviously think you are? Do you think it’s time to break out with the Kumbaya?

Holy shit, people, get a grip. As Mr Dooley once said, “Politics ain’t beanbag.” I’m not for excessive partisanship, but I don’t believe in rolling over like a fat puppy either, just because I want everyone to like each other. Progressives won, and that’s been rare enough that we should savor the victory. To start reaching out for warm hugs the very next day? Nauseating. Fey. Childish. Everything that fills the caricature that talk-radio hosts paint of you.

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Welcome to the 21st Century (At Last)

Now THAT was an entertaining 22 months. And that ending? Perfect. Sublime. Couldn’t ask for anything more, short of a Cubs rally in the same park. After months of hearing accusations that Obama is a sleeper agent for the Muslim baby-eaters (how in the world did he control himself on Halloween, with all that tender meat on the hoof?), the clamor died down and the best candidate (and let’s hope the best office holder) won the day. My kids stayed up up to watch the returns. Liam showed us the political caricatures he’s been practicing all week (he might become the world’s first manga-style political cartoonist), and we all practiced new iterations of Obama’s name that will soon enter the lexicon: Obamanomics, Obamapathy, Obamaplomacy, Obamanoia….it’s a growth industry.

I gotta admit, it felt good to be on the winning side again, although still a little bewildering that my side had been losing so often to the incompetent, the hateful and the backward. For the bigger picture of racial equality, one of my first thoughts after 10 pm was, “Well, it’s about TIME.” but my impatience couldn’t dilute the warm fuzzies I felt that this nation finally lived up to what it says it stands for. And to win Obama didn’t have to change his cool, elegant, intellectual style. How insanely great to have a powerful rhetorical speaker up there again, especially when he brings in the cadences of the black church to his speeches. It’s like a living slice of American heritage up there, showing the rest of the world how it’s done on the South Side of Chicago, every Sunday morning and evening.

People will have to remember, of course, that Obama’s a politician, and he does everything with a calculation in mind. A good friend of mine in Illinois politics found that out when running for office and discovering Obama’s endorsement wasn’t going to come, despite their serving very closely in the state senate together. He doesn’t give away his chits lightly, sometimes not at all. So he’s not going to waste time banning hate radio or interfering with union elections, like Fred Barnes was sputtering about on Fox last night. (I wanted to watch Fox most of all last night, but it was so dreary and browbeaten and the tech gaffes so frequent that I gave up. It was like a public access show hosted by people who just got fired. Which, come to think of it, is pretty close to the truth.)

I think he’ll do a damn fine job as president, if the economy rights itself soon. But beyond that, I agree with what he said last night that it “wasn’t about him.” It truly wasn’t. It’s terrific that a smart guy who knows the Constitution is actually going to lead the country. It’s great that the racial barrier to the White House has been broken, and we can tell our children–in the BEST and non-ironic way–that anyone can grow up to be president. It’s heartening to have a role model for black kids, especially young boys, who is sober, hard-working, smart and classy. It’ll be good to have Michelle Obama and her girls in the White House (can you imagine that Nieman Marcus mannequin Cindy McCain or that braying ignoramus Palin being our ambassador to the world? Just when you thought Bush was the worst it could be…)

But I think what I like best about this whole day is that the adults are back in charge. The best parts of what our country has stood for have been validated. And the people that I meet everyday have taken the country back from slobbering, reactionary loonies. We want to move on. We don’t want to fight the wars of the 50s, 60s and 80s again. The world needs our energy and intelligence if it’s going to survive and prosper. Let’s get on with things, for criminy’s sake. It’s time to live in the 21st century at last.

Cool image from Patrick Moberg.

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View from the VFW Tatler Post

Here on the north side of Chicago, we’ve been living in kind of a bubble this election season. No one has bothered to phone us, pamphlet us, persuade us one way or another. We’ve been considered a slam dunk for Obama since probably May or June. On top of that, our incumbent senator, US reps and state reps are all expected to cruise to easy victory. It gives me a skewed vision of what is going on in the rest of the country. People in other reliably crimson or indigo districts probably feel the same neglect, with a mixture of relief and longing.

I’ve spent most of the morning reading reports of huge lines for voting in other parts of the country. Here, I went to the VFW Post on Western Avenue at 10, was checked in and given a ballot right away, met about four neighbors, and was out of there in 10 minutes. The hardest part about the experience was the dank smell of spilled Budweiser, old cigars and Sansabelt slacks that every VFW Post probably has. (For some reason I always feel obliged to vote at that station. Maybe because it’s the only time I’ll ever go into such a place, and it may be an endangered species around here. A slice of life that I can’t participate in.) I’m still not used to the humongous paper ballot we’re given in Cook County. It’s literally 18 inches by 30 inches, with a privacy envelope that’s even bigger. It reminds me of a large prop a magician might use for a card trick. Holding it makes me feel foolish, a little clowny. After completing arrows next to names with a marker, the voter feeds it into a big optical reader and the ballot lands in a sealed cardboard crate. For all I can tell, there might be a couple midgets in the box reading my ballot and phoning the results downtown. There’s room enough for them.

In this country business is so consolidated that consumers can choose between two brands of razor, three brands of potato chips, maybe four types of gas station. Why then do we seem to have umpteen different ways to vote–between punch cards, scanners, touchscreens, paper ballots, and all the rest? This is the ONLY area of modern life where I’d prefer to see some standardization.

Anyway, it’s a beautiful Indian Summer morning here, with red and yellow leaves still hanging on the trees and tinting the sunlight. It’s a marvelous day to be making some history. My prediction is that Obama will win decisively (don’t know about a landslide, but that would be marvelous to see). The real entertainment this evening will be watching how it happened. Does Obama take Virginia? North Carolina? Georgia? (Some people are predicting that last one, but that seems like a longshot. Still, wouldn’t I love to be proved wrong.) As someone else has recommended, I might watch the results on Fox News, just to watch whether commentators can exist on TV running on nothing but fumes of bile. It will also be fun to watch the acceptance speech being delivered right here in the Windy City. I’m not going to bother heading downtown. Crowds bug me lately, but it will be terrific fun to watch them go bananas.

I can’t say much more about this election and its place in history. Too many billions of words have been typed already. I will say this: Regardless of the candidate’s race, I never thought I’d see Democrats run such a disciplined, organized, thoughtful national campaign AND come out on top. I give immense amounts of credit to Howard Dean and his 50-State Initiative, for showing people that there were liberals worth courting deep in the heart of “red” areas, and conservatives who would listen to new ideas if given a chance. Thankfully Obama raised enough money to be able to campaign in places a Democrat wouldn’t have bothered visiting in years past, and was so thoughtful, stirring and all-in-all TOGETHER out on the campaign trail. It will be good to see the adults back in charge in Washington.

I’ve tried to stay rational about this election, maybe even skeptical, hiding my hopes and concerns behind a big mask of snark. But it’s hard to keep that mask up after reading the accounts of people spending hours in line to vote, of black people (stories about 90 year old grannies just kill me) voting for president with tears in their eyes, of record turnout everywhere. I’m happiest to be able to kick out the Republican scumsuckers who’ve wrecked this country, its Constitution, economy, security and hopes for the future during the past eight years. Tack onto that the fact that we’re about to elect an African-American to the highest office, and it blows my little mind. I don’t subscribe to the doctrine of American exceptionalism, but this can be one exceptionally surprising country. I love it.

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Dear Red States:

This email has probably made the rounds already, but I still find it funny and appropriate:

An open letter from the Blue States to the Red States:

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. That includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs do turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe the earth is only 6,000 years old and Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory; 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than us lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

–the Blue States

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Only a Week Left? Say It Ain’t So!

Last week Larry David and other commentators on the Huffington Post lamented how long this campaign was taking, and how they wanted the election over with. I’m sympathetic to the adverse health effects that anxiety, anticipation and Sarah Palin’s voice may be having on people. I can also commiserate that my own work output has been reduced to a trickle trying to keep up with the latest news and polls. The productivity gains the internet has given us, the internet shall taketh away.

But do I want this campaign over next week? Hell no. Have you taken a moment to consider how much free entertainment has been contained in the daily news cycle since the end of August? Do you realize that just last week, from Monday through Friday, we got enjoy stories about:

• Minnesota’s Senator Bachman trying to explain away her out-of-body channeling of Joe McCarthy;
• Sarah Palin’s $150,000 shopping spree, which was only revealed last Wednesday (think how far that kind of money would go in a consignment shop!)
• Ashley Todd’s self-assault at the ATM (Oh, how much longer the lie could’ve been strung along if she’d only learned how to write backwards!)

That’s just from the everyday news. It doesn’t include the backbiting and Dr. Scholl salads that the conservative talking heads endured on the cable chat shows. That has been entertainment of a rare caliber. As fewer and fewer commentators will defend the McCain-Palin campaign, the news shows have had to move further and further down the pecking order for Republican “strategists” and “observers” to interview. If this campaign went on for another month, we’d get to see a tattoo-parlor owner from Idaho wired up and telling “Fox & Friends” all he knows about socialism.

If these stories give a person too much agita, I suggest they cowboy up and deal with it. Take to drinking if you have to. Because these developments are necessary, vital, even healthful. The Republican Party has spent the past 25 years getting elected by mixing race, religion and class consciousness into a fear cocktail to keep their faithful out and voting. While the Republicans have spouted about lower taxes, smaller government, and a “humble” foreign policy stance, they’ve done their best to ignore all three. Now they are reaping the results of the lies they’ve sown and the stupid ideas they’ve espoused. Such a process takes time.

Maybe I’m ODing on the schadenfreude, but I say, keep it coming. A couple more months, at least, so that we can see every hypocrisy and dirty deal exposed in the open air. I want to hear more filth about everything: John McCain’s secret deals with al-Qaeda, Sarah Palin’s plastic surgeries (which she will promise to undo or auction to charity later), Todd Palin’s clandestine Inuit love igloo that he visited on long snow-machine races.

I want to see Nancy Pfotenhauer snap on camera and take a bite out of someone’s neck. I want to watch William Kristol melt into a puddle of blame-dodging ooze. I want to learn about a Robo-call accusing Obama of laughing in the past at Flip Wilson’s “Rev. Leroy and the Church of What’s Happenin’ Now” routine. I want to hear Limbaugh actually use a phrase like “Hide your women” or “the sanctity of our precious bodily fluids”.

I want to see all of this for the same reason Van Helsing wanted to be the one to drive the stake through Dracula’s heart, because it’s the only way I’ll be certain that the reputations of these people and the policies of unbridled conservatism are dead. Deader than dead. Dead and buried under Yucca Mountain with radioactive garlic strung around their necks dead.

Because you know when this is over, the news for at least the next ten weeks is going to be about plant closings, foreclosures, and how no one will be able to afford to buy holiday presents this year. That’s the harsh truth, beyond any paranoid fantasies about October surprises or the GOP stealing the election again.

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Palin on SNL: Sadder than Porn?

So, honestly, which is more degrading, Sarah Palin’s appearance on “Saturday Night Live” or the fact that a porn movie entitled “Nailin’ Palin” has already been produced?

Having only seen one of them, I’d vote for the former. At least there is no subtext in the porno, no attempt at ingratiation, no fake grins, only fake grimaces of unbelievable physical ecstasy. And it is apparent who’s screwing who, at least as far as I know, never having seen the spanking vid, I promise.

Palin’s keepers, apparently, believe that any exposure SHORT of a porno is a good thing. Except of course, holding a press conference or something like that. Who wants to see THAT? A far better idea would be to have her appear on a show that routinely savages her and her “core constituents” (Somehow that sounds like a good porn title too, if esoteric). Put her on the show, have a leering Alec Baldwin turn her into a sex object, let Tina Fey scoot offstage unscathed after spending a month mocking her, and sit at the Weekend Update desk trying to look “down widdit” as Amy Poehler chanted a mundane rap making fun of every bit of Palin’s “real America” biography.

Yep, a great plan. Apparently there’s no such thing as bad exposure.

Or wait. Was she slyly entering the den of the smarty-pants elite, enduring their slings and arrows, and emerging more statesman-like than ever before?

Yeah, THAT must’ve been the master plan. Now the red-meaters can really scream about how she gets no respect, and how NYC isn’t the real America! Watch this week, as Palin turns around and announces that she had a lousy time making fun of her image, that she couldn’t wait to get out of that liberal hell-hole and get back with people who know right from wrong and don’t make jokes about things!! People who have no sense of humor at all! Yew makin’ some kinda joke, boy? Well, that aint the way we do things round here.

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Nostalgia for a Wonderful Campaign

For two weeks now, my laptop has been acting like it belongs in a retirement community. Slow moving, unresponsive, can’t stand to play videos or music (“It’s all just NOISE.”). So I was faced with the prospect of buying a new one, having to run Windows Vista and replacing what has become an extension of myself (I know there are geekier people out there who can say Amen.) with something either flashy and expensive, or shabbily assembled. (An aside to Toshiba: Whoever thought of making every surface of your laptops glossy, including the keyboard, should be out of a job. My thoughts are dirty enough; I don’t need to work on a laptop that shows every smudge and fingerprint.)

Luckily, we still have a retail computer store in Chicago, and one of the salesman casually mentioned that my problem sounded like a defective hard drive. If I wanted to get all Handy Andy, I could buy a new one for $80, and if it didn’t work, I could apply that cost to a new computer.

Hey, you don’t have to ask me twice. It took me more time to watch a handheld video of a teenager replacing the HD in his VAIO with one hand than it did to install. How’s that for DIY geekery? Small potatoes, I realize, but it’s the kind of thing our thrifty forefathers would’ve appreciated.

Now I’ve regained the power to waste half my day watching videos and browsing websites about the election. Can it really be only 19 days away?? Say it ain’t so! What will we do without it? Where else can we find so much self-generating entertainment? The desperation, the slander, the anger, the schadenfreude–it’s going to be a long, lonely winter when Obama wins and we have nothing left to look forward to except rebuilding the economy of the world (let alone Iraq and Afghanistan).

I’ll accept that outcome, of course, even though I predict it will be slim pickins for comedians and satirists in an Obama administration. Sober, thoughtful and level-headed–looks like a arid wasteland to me. Better start working on comic light verse. Oh wait, I already am. Oh well, the local political scene is a complete dog’s breakfast, so there’s that consolation.

I don’t put much credence in polls, especially this year. I’m certain more people have been saying they’ll vote for Obama than actually will, but not enough to tip things toward McCain. My guess is Obama will take 55-60% of the vote, and will have a momentous victory in the Electoral College. I have never thought of attending a party for election night coverage, but this year, it’s tempting. It will be as close to a landslide as I’ll probably see in my lifetime. And justifiably so. After eight years of the Bush Administration (don’t think back to it–it will boggle your mind), we need to purge our systems of the fear, the hate, the culture warfare, the dessication of the economy, the complete and utter failure of everything W and his henchmen have touched. Remember Ford’s phrase, “Our long national nightmare is over”? Well, almost, Gerry, but October’s only half over. Still plenty of time for Bush to declare martial law because Iceland’s attacking.

But the campaign? I’ll miss it. It’s been such a joy to watch the Republicans and the conservative movement flail and sputter and wallow in the shit they’ve been cultivating for so long. Obama has actually turned into a colossal bore, but how could he keep up with the McCain-Palin Show? Come January, the right-wing screeds will have all the substance of sea foam. Truthiness will recede, but not disappear. Obama’s plans will be derided as socialism, as if the economic bailout endorsed by both parties isn’t. We won’t have the money to enact most of his plans anyway. Expect dim job growth, melting ice caps, deteriorating infrastructure–and from the right, a lot of screaming about gay test tube babies and marauding Mexican zombies.

Comic high notes like the Couric-Palin interview? We’ll have to savor them like a Frank Sinatra song, because we won’t see the likes of them again.

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Eyeball Strain

I didn’t know watching TV could be so exhausting until this morning. I guess watching the Sox lose, the Veep Debate, and the Cubs lose can really take it out of a couch potato.

Diminished expectations were the theme running through these three events. I thought the Sox played better than the Cubs, and the fact that no one believes the Sox are going far in to the playoffs makes watching them play a little sweeter. The Cubs, as presumptive World Series participants, were exasperating with their errors and their whiffs. With their wide swings in the dirt, the heavy hitters (D-Lee in particular) looked like they were hoeing a garden. We are expecting a lot more from the Cubs, and watching them play like Little Leaguers is a new level of depression.

The expectations were low for Sarah Palin going into the debate, so the fact that she could pronounce Achmedinajad (but not “nuclear”) made her this year’s Stephen Douglas, at least among right-wingers. I was disappointed but not surprised it wasn’t a bloodbath. Ya, you betcha I was. But her answers were so vacuous, she seemed like a customer service supervisor who could spout all kinds of nonsense but still not get me what I want. Biden in contrast was sober, smart, and experienced, but what does that count against charisma?

I watched the CNN broadcast, and so got to watch the little EKG meter at the bottom which bumped up and down from the reactions of undecided Ohio voters twisting little knobs somewhere in Chillicothe. As much as we mocked the gimmick, throughout the night, my wife and I couldn’t take our eyes off it. The blips actually revealed a few interesting things, like everyone agreed with Biden’s comment that Dick Cheney is the most dangerous elected official in America (big spikes there), the govt needs to have more diplomacy and engagement, and the country should lead UN troops into Darfur. Toward the end of the debate, when Biden was explicit in his foreign policy opinions and Palin sounded like the Chamber of Commerce booster she is, her nonanswers failed to get the EKG to move beyond tepid. But that and $3.95 will get you a cup of coffee.

I hope the Cubs, Sox and Palin can hang on just long enough to keep us entertained this month. For one thing, we’ve got a lot of poems in the queue at Bardball. Today we posted a video from Tom Latourette, which is funny, cruel and timely:

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Hockey Moms Against Sarah Palin

And this follow up, from a Minnesota mom who knows the breed:

Real Hockey moms are out of control maniacs. The kind who would poison your kid so hers could play. Would lie to you about the location of the 5:30 a.m. practice just so your kid wouldn’t get the ice time. They’d mortgage the house with a subprime lender to send the kid to hockey camp up in Bemidji. She’d instruct her kid how to best inflict lasting damage with the stick that wouldn’t be seen by the officials. Beat them senseless if they didn’t win. Bribe the officials. Trash talk the better players on the team.

Anyone who prides themselves on being a hockey mom is counting on the rest of the nation thinking like it’s a soccer mom on ice. Nothing could be further from the truth. Think Texas raving lunatic cheerleader moms – you’ll then be getting the right idea.

I shudder at the thought.

Sounds more like Dick Cheney everyday.

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Roger Ebert Hits it on the Head

I’m not going to spend much time ruminating on the Alaskan Pork Queen in the next few weeks. Every revelation about her bullying governing style and ability to lie to thousands of people several times a day are entertaining, but ultimately they’re water off a loon’s back. New items about her policies and actions (like today’s jaw-dropper that the town of Wasilla actually forced rape victims to pony up cash to have forensic tests done) will do nothing to dissuade her ardent fans. When confronted with tough questions, she’ll probably just call off all press conferences, wrap herself up in her mackinaw and go a-huntin’.

That’s fair warning to all the wildlife in the Northwest: when new scandals come to light about Palin’s record, HIDE!

Hey, she’s a liar and a self-promoting grandstander, just like the “reformer” governor here in Illinois (thankfully, no one except Blagojevich himself is desperate enough to suggest that he should run for higher office). There’s the exotic element of fjords, elk and oil money in the background, a picture postcard that is wrenched from the mind when she unleashes her most destructive weapon: Her metal-piercing voice.

What I find more interesting is WHY people would be interested in her at all. Anyone in America can be president, which we’ve proven time and again to our dismay. But why (other than venal self-interest that Republicans should rule forever and always) would any voter fall for this schtick of the frost-bitten, gun-totin’ maverick? In the face of the objective facts that she’s held state office for less than two years, will lie out of both sides of her mouth and managed to sink her little town into a $23 million debt, why would anyone with more than a room-temperature IQ think that she’s fit to be second in line for the most powerful office on earth?

Roger Ebert considered that in today’s Sun-Times, and as you’d expect, cuts to the heart of the matter with style:

She’s the “American Idol” candidate. Consider. What defines an “American Idol” finalist? They’re good-looking, work well on television, have a sunny personality, are fierce competitors, and so talented, why, they’re darned near the real thing. There’s a reason “American Idol” gets such high ratings. People identify with the contestants. They think, Hey, that could be me up there on that show!

Read the rest of his column here.

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Thank God THAT’S Over With!

Last night was certainly a momentous event in history, and it came none too soon. After a long, drawn-out battle, Barack Obama was finally elected President of the United States! I wasn’t sure I’d see it in my lifetime, our country pulling together behind a charismatic candidate of color, ready to lead us to new realities in the 21st century. After seeing last night’s speech, I’m thinking the future looks awfully bright again.

Wait. What? I came in the middle of the thing. Who’s the old white-haired troll in the blue suit they keep showing footage of? He reminds me of Hans Moleman from The Simpsons. Like he was a little winded from climbing up to the podium. I’ll have to check out his speech today online, see if there’s any news about the Mystery at the Old Well.

And that woman with the bobbed hair? I never saw such a big audience at a taping for the Psychic Network. I know all about the premise of that book, The Secret–that you just have to believe in something enough and visualize it, and you’ll be rewarded with all the happiness you deserve in life. But is it necessary to have a couple thousand of your friends on hand to help you visualize it? None of them looked very happy to be there. They must have owed her a favor or something.

But enough of my channel-surfing habits. Congrats to President Obama, the first president to come from the South Side of Chicago!! Whoda tought a dat?

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Reasons to Be Cheerful

This Sunday, the St. Paul Saints of the American Association will be running a promotion, giving away 2,500 Sen. Larry Craig Bobble-foot dolls. According to their press release:

During the Sunday, May 25 game the first 2,500 fans in attendance will receive a bobblefoot. The design is a bathroom stall, with a foot that peaks out of the bottom and “taps” up and down. The day coincides with National Tap Dance Day.

While many people tap their foot because they are impatient, others may do it because they are nervous. It doesn’t matter if your tapping style is done with a “wide stance” or is used as some sort of code, the Saints are asking all fans to tap to their heart’s content on May 25.

Sorry, Mrs. Obama, but there are times when I just LOVE this country.

Thanks for tip from It Is High, It Is Far, It Is…caught.

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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

So the lure of Pennsylvania has brought out more historic moments in political pandering. Last week Hillary Clinton admitted that some of her fondest memories as a child involved hunting and shooting. To quote Monty Python loosely, “I admire all of God’s creatures; that’s why I like to kill ’em.”

What IS it about Pennsylvania? “The Deer Hunter”, which took place largely in the Keystone State, was one of my favorite movies, sure, but is it exerting too strong a hold on political candidates? They’ve already beaten the “Rocky” meme to death, although I half expect someone to don gray sweats and run up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum, completely by coincidence. Hey, what about “Witness”? Why doesn’t the Amish worldview work its way into their campaigning? Buggy rides? Barn raising? Or would that seem too pandering? (I can easily see Obama in a white shirt with black pants and suspenders, talking earnestly with the elders. I just can’t see him growing a beard.)

In related news, in order to gain more sympathy for his cause in the West, the Dalai Lama has admitted, “Hey, I sometimes sneak a cheeseburger after hours. I may be the incarnation of a centuries-long line of Buddhist masters, and so enlightened as to be free of the cycle of birth and death, but you know, I’m only human.”

And later this week, in an effort to ingratiate himself with fallen-away Catholics, the pope will admit to occasionally rubbing one off. “But only about girls, I want to remind you. Good healthy girls, from the Alps. And no Nazis, either. Uh-uh, brother.”