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Reasons to Be Cheerful

This Sunday, the St. Paul Saints of the American Association will be running a promotion, giving away 2,500 Sen. Larry Craig Bobble-foot dolls. According to their press release:

During the Sunday, May 25 game the first 2,500 fans in attendance will receive a bobblefoot. The design is a bathroom stall, with a foot that peaks out of the bottom and “taps” up and down. The day coincides with National Tap Dance Day.

While many people tap their foot because they are impatient, others may do it because they are nervous. It doesn’t matter if your tapping style is done with a “wide stance” or is used as some sort of code, the Saints are asking all fans to tap to their heart’s content on May 25.

Sorry, Mrs. Obama, but there are times when I just LOVE this country.

Thanks for tip from It Is High, It Is Far, It Is…caught.

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Movies Are Better than Ever (Whoopee..)

The summer movie season relies heavily on fights, crashes and explosions. And sometimes those on the screen are more interesting than the ones in the box office rankings. But only by a little. I think there should be a name for the summer schadenfreude I feel when a big budget movie, starring vegetable-brained celebrities, written by desperate masochistic scribblers, directed by bombastic tinpot dictators, and marketed and distributed by human leeches, goes up in flames at the cineplex. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer and feel the script is the most important part of a movie, but when a $150 million project tanks, I feel as cozy warm as Winnie-the-Pooh.

“Sex and the City.” “Speed Racer.” “Get Smart.” “The Incredible Hulk.” Any of these will cost you money that could be better spent on three delicious beers, one expensive martini, or a pugwash from a crack ho. Where would you rather spend your hard earned $10?

Now, I’m not against whiz-bang flicks. I saw “Iron Man” a couple weeks ago and loved it. They got everything right in that flick.

Tonight the latest entry in the “Indiana Jones” series comes out, 17 years after the last. (Should there be a statute of limitations on a sequel, after which time there should be no implied connection with the originals?) Everyone’s getting all giggly about this one, but I could care less. There’s something repulsive about the idea of Harrison Ford doing this same old schtick again. With his graying, Alfalfa Schweitzer haircut, maybe a remake of “Deliverance” would be more appropriate. As he lunges across the hood of a speeding truck in the trailer (obligatory age joke), he looks like a pensioner at the early bird special diving across the buffet for the last piece of Jell-O.

Did you know the Indiana Jones fedora, bull whip and leather jacket are on display in the Smithsonian? What is there that is groundbreaking or historically important about a big-budget remake of 1940s pulp movies? I read Harrison Ford in the paper saying at Cannes that with this movie, he’d like to help the audience enjoy pure escapist entertainment again. Thanks, Harr, but I don’t think we’ve lost that skill. What’s next, ConAgra reassuring us that it’s okay to like French fries again? America, rest easy–some things you never lose.

And really, must we care that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg want to revisit this hollow idea? Must their perpetual pre-adolescence be the subject of so much attention? They’re skilled filmmakers, certainly, and have nothing else to prove. So quit proving that money trumps everything. Spielberg’s movies, especially the popular ones, always make me feel dirty, like someone’s been pushing all my buttons with fingers covered in coconut oil movie theater “butter”. The earlier Indy movies were only okay in my book. What finally turned me off was the beating heart ripped out of the man in “Temple of Doom.” Part of the charm of the old serials was their fakery, their hamminess. Spielberg, of course, makes everything in a film look beautiful and realistic. So, a beautifully photographed beating heart, or dozens of beautifully massacred soldiers (I don’t care if they are Nazis), or child slavery, or the Nazi chopped up in the propeller, leave me numb and nauseous.

Maybe it’s a generational thing. People ten years younger than me go bananas over Indy and Star Wars because the movies blew their 12-year-old minds. When I was a young teen, the best movies were the complex, experimental kind, not the one that ran the fastest. “MASH”, “Chinatown”, “Taxi Driver”, were all engaging. For escapist fun, our choices were “Cannonball Run,” “Smoky and the Bandit”, et al–movies starring TV actors, directed by journeymen hacks. Which is as it should be. To have someone with Spielberg’s talent remaking Indiana Jones is like Emeril making a meatloaf, or Philip Roth redoing Mike Hammer.

Quit it, just quit it. You’re ruining pop culture for me.

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Is There a Fund for Cretins Like This?

Received the following email last week, on the heels of news about the other James Garner having a stroke:

Hi,

I want to get a message to James Garner the actor, who has recently had a stroke, he was amiss in getting an official web site so I thought that I would ask you to get in touch with him and give him my best wishes.

This may seem strange but if you knew Indian folk lore you would not hesitate but would seek to tell him, on my behalf, that all is well.

I hope you are able to do this, if not do not worry, as all is well.

Thank you

XXXXX XXXXXXXX

So, if I have a complaint about George Bush, and I quite can’t figure out how to reach him, I should send it to the PR department of Bush’s Baked Beans and have them send it along?

Or if I’m looking for ski tips, I should randomly email people with Polish surnames.

I’ll get that message out right away, Wendy, even though “all is well”, because, er, we all know what THAT can mean.

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I Did NOT Have a Stroke

It was the OTHER James Garner who had a stroke over the weekend. We wish him a speedy recovery.

(Okay, that was in bad taste, and no one was really worried about my health.)

All my life, I’ve had a relationship with James Garner. Generally favorable, although he hasn’t put much work into it. I can remember ever since kindergarten the scene of someone reading my name off a roll, and making the obligatory joke about “Maverick” (and later “Rockford”). In Kindergarten, I had no clue what was going on. But at some point, when I was nine or 10, I saw “Support Your Local Sheriff” on TV and realized who this other James Garner was. And I was pretty impressed. Effortless cool, good acting, composure, humor. And when you read more about his life, you realize what a mensch he really is. War veteran, two purple hearts, civil rights marcher, auto racer, married to the same woman for 52 years. I often joke that I could do worse than sharing my name with him, and am glad I wasn’t named James Spader or James Woods. (I knew an unfortunate guy in high school whose name was Lorne Green. C’mon, the parents have NO excuse for doing something like that.)

I wasn’t named after the actor, thankfully. I was named after my Uncle Jim, who had a pretty interesting life. He died when I was about seven, but I remember enjoying my trips to his house in Chicago, where we got to drink “50/50” and bang on his piano while his wirehair terrier Skipper barked and chased after us. He always called me “Germs,” which is the only nickname I never bridled at.

When I joined SAG/AFTRA after a couple commercials 20 years ago, I was faced with the decision of what my professional name should be. I couldn’t go by James Garner, obviously. I stuck the “Finn” in there from a family name. So my snooty literary name was actually my snooty acting name first. Thankfully for all involved, the acting didn’t go much further. About a decade ago, I received one of his royalty statements in the mail (through AFTRA maybe? I don’t remember) and sent it to him at the correct address on the letter. Didn’t get a response. Typical of our relationship. I’ve had to do all the work.

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“Adventures of a Comic Book Artist”

The spring operetta at St. James School has come and gone, and if you missed it, you’re probably kicking yourself just like you did when Steppenwolf was practically begging you to come see “August: Osage County” when it first opened and you were too busy to bother. The operetta didn’t get nominated for a Tony, an Obie, a Jeff, an Off-Jeff, a Wedgie, or a Shmegege, but that’s fine because those are all about “who you know.” But this operetta will be remembered as the swansong for Liesel in her starring roles there, and for me in building the sets.

Liesel will be changing schools next year so that she’ll be able to count her classmates on more than one hand. She’s not too happy about it, since she’s been there since she was three, but she’s going into the fifth grade, and it’s a good time to make a change. One of the carrots we held out for her was that her new school does a student musical every spring, because such events are the highlight of her year. The competition for roles, of course, will be a little tougher, but she’s pretty good and is bound to get better. In “Adventures of a Comic Book Artist,” she played the hero Blossom, who has a magic flower that can put villains to sleep. Kind of a benevolent Poison Ivy. I took the picture below with the last little bit of charge on my camera. I’m very mad that I didn’t get one of her alone in front of my kinetic backdrop.

This year, I did for the sets what I do every year, mainly paint dropcloths from Home Depot to serve as backdrop curtains. One was a view of Times Square, the other was a smattering of comic book onomatopoeias, which I was pretty proud of. I also had to create the headquarters of Wonder Comics, whose slogan of course is “If it’s a GOOD comic, it’s a WONDER.” I don’t know if anyone got the joke, but that one was for the boys in the back room. I probably spent 30 hours or so on the sets, maybe more, but I just love doing them. The kids can get so excited when they show up for rehearsal and the stage has taken one more step toward the look of a real show. Last year I got to make a lot of oversized food for a “Jack and the Beanstalk” type story, which was even more fun. I kept the cheeseburger I made (picture here). It sits in our TV room, which is turning into a sort of Batcave displaying artifacts and mementos from the kids’ various stage productions from church and school.


It will be sad to leave a school into which we’ve poured so much time, energy and money, but many of the resources that first attracted us are no longer there, and we couldn’t bear the idea of Liesel staying with the same five kids all the way through eighth grade, then enrolling her in a school with 300 freshmen. Plus, overarching concerns like the lack of a school board, a domineering pastor and an ineffectual principal will not be changed anytime soon. (The place also had a recent exodus of 4 teachers, which will add to chaos next year.) This operetta will be our send-off, but it was a terrific show with lots of energy and talent. And all the best shows eventually come to an end.

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On the White Sox’ Rubber Soul

You say your batters can’t swing it?
Their Whiffing gives you chills?
I got an old-school remedy for
Fixin’ all your ills.

Take all your Louisville sluggers,
Arrange them in a stack,
Then get ready for a mighty hoodoo
(There ain’t no turnin back).

Now get yourself some love dolls–
You know the kind I mean,
Those cute gals made of polymerized
Isobutylene.

Inflate them gals and set them round
Your mighty pile of sticks
And pray for their blow-up blessings
And soon you’ll get your licks.

You’ll feel your eyeballs quicken
And your pencil fill with lead,
And by August the White Sox will be
Twenty games ahead.

But don’t blaspheme the rubber gods
Or disrespect their medicine,
Or they’ll do to you just what they did to
Brian Anderson.

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Scenes from QofA Comedy Night

My five regular readers (hey, let’s do poker soon!) may have noticed the lack of posts for the past couple weeks. Or not. Be honest, I can take it. This time of year always gets busy with end-of-school-year events and activities. It’s easy to volunteer my time to projects when asked in January, when it’s freezing outside and the four walls are closing in, but another thing to balance writing, work and play in early May. That being said, I’ll also say that I really enjoy doing the projects I’ve volunteered for, regardless of me bitching about my schedule.

Last Friday night was the sixth annual Queen of Angels Comedy Night, a benefit to help the Technology Committee buy new computer equipment so my son can try not to look at inappropriate websites when he’s in the lab. Last year I helped out with a comedy sketch, which showed how Harry Caray would’ve called a baseball game if all performance enhancers were legalized (poorly, it turns out). It was fun, but the evening went on almost four hours, as the directors (there’s your first mistake, plural “directors”) tried to cram every type of act–parishioner talent, five pro stand-ups, and the house band–into the show. This year we streamlined things, kept a tight rein on the length of acts, and had the band play at the opening and closing instead of between every act. This elementary lesson in show pacing paid off well. Everyone has said it was the best show ever.

Our host was Leo Ford, an affable man about town, actor, and former improviser (Blue Velveeta, anyone?), who delivered a monologue about growing up Catholic in Janesville, WI, and described a nun who reminded him of Harry Dean Stanton. In the first half, Will Casey and his wife Catherine performed a droll little skit I wrote called “Robo-Nun 3000,” and to pad things out, I read one of my PC Bedtime Stories.

The professional talent we scouted and booked were nothing short of sensational. Nick Paul is a very funny man who mixes magic with a deadpan that was just killer. He also showed himself to be a big professional when we asked him to do a second act after intermission when one of our standups called to say “Friday??? I thought it was Monday!” Check out his website Magic of Nick for clips and other information.

Our standup for the evening was Sean Flannery, who absolutely killed in his 20-plus minutes. He could’ve lost the room because of some of the drunks in the back who think that any performance is a free-for-all, or that standups are really looking for a conversation when they say, “Anybody here from out of town?” He had the crowd up and down with him the whole time, and had hilarious material. We found him emceeing at Chicago Underground Comedy, and booked him immediately. Check out his stuff at WorldsDumbestMan.com.

But the biggest hit was probably $$The Money Kids$$, two young ladies who will do basically anything to make themselves laugh. These two are definitely going places. Their skits included a slumber party where the girls are making out with their stuffed animals, a couple of power-walking yuppies trying to work through bouts of narcolepsy, dancing to the “Doogie Howser MD” theme song, and a “Sex in the City” blackout that broke the “dildo right up inside you” barrier in the parish. (Thankfully, they were so funny, and the line went by so fast, that the people who might’ve been upset probably missed it.) Check out their stash at MoneyKids.net.

The shining moment for the in-house parish talent was our video. I had wanted to do a “Check, Please” take-off for our currently trendy neighborhood, highlighting some of the grungier places that generally should be avoided. The first draft of the script came out so well that 95% made it into the final product. But the script is just one step in the process. The video came out so much better than we had any right for it to, because of Dominic D’Ambrosia, who shot it and edited everything. Judge for yourself by checking out the YouTube link for “Beyond the Sausage in Lincoln Square.” (The embed was disabled by request. Apparently Dom is shy. Or is afraid of getting fired.)

Seriously, go check out the video. Then realize we did maybe two takes for every shot. The ghost of Ernie Kovacs was smiling on us that day.

After the show, we had to break everything down, fix the lock on the parish center so no one could walk in, and then close out over beers at the Sunnyside Tap (a fleeting shot of the tap is in the video). I haven’t been so exhausted over a weekend in a long time. Part of it was the beer at 2 AM, but only a small part. I think I just forgot how damn exhausting it is to put on a show. If I didn’t have my buddies to help get it up, I’d’ve been even more wiped out. And the show would’ve sucked. As it was, I was glad for the chance to perform and write some fun stuff with fun people.

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Greetings from Chicago, Home of the Spit-Take

Today is the first day in 13 that I’ve been able to sit down in the morning in my office and write. If allergies don’t seal my eyes shut in the next 2 hours, I might manage to get a little writing done today. Then at noon, it’s time for more errands and getting ready to camp with the Boy Scouts in the rain. This is one of the big downsides to being self-employed, trying to manage your own time, all day every day. I’ve been doing it for 21 years. Sometimes I’m good at it, other times all the activities and obligations get thrown into a big bucket of slop that must be taken care of immediately. Of course, it takes energy to compartmentalize and prioritize, and sometimes it’s hard to find. (I think the first time I ever heard the word “compartmentalize”, it was being used by Bill Clinton to describe how he kept working when he was being impeached for a pugwash by a fat slag from Beverly Hills. While a regular person might feel mortified by what was going on, for Bubba apparently, it was just background noise.) For all you out there with 9-to-5 jobs, be aware that while a regular structure may at times feel constricting, it makes a lot of other things easier.

But it’s been a good fortnight, all in all. My brother and his family visited us from New Jersey, their first visit here in at least 12 years, and we got to show off the Windy City that we love so much. Hancock Building, Michigan Avenue, Frank Lloyd Wright in Oak Park, Cubs game, the museums, Millennium Park. We ran them ragged, and are paying for it now. For some reason, this was a very gastro-centric trip for my brother. He had to have a Chicago dog at just about every turn, he wanted to order in a deep-dish pizza (which is a rarity for us), and he absolutely had to hunt down an Italian Beef sandwich. He satisfied that last cholesterol-y craving at 11 in the morning on the way to the Field Museum by stopping off at Al’s #1 over in River North. I can thoroughly sympathize, because a good Italian beef is worth shaving years off your life for. (He already paid the price for it with the constant comments from us like “You’re eating again?”)

Besides showing off the city to a couple of kids from the NY suburbs, it was a good week for cousins to get together, sleep in the same room, get in fights and then forget about them–all the basics of extended family dynamics. My son and my nephew are an exceptionally well-matched pair. It’s a shame they can’t see each other more than once or twice a year. Sometimes this country is too damn big. Maybe Pennsylvania and Ohio can secede, so Chicago and NY can be a little closer.

Before the family arrived, I took a quick trip up to Calvin College in Grand Rapids, to attend a few sessions of their “Festival of Faith and Writing.” I don’t go to many writing festivals, mostly out of a stubborn conviction that I should stay chained to my desk, whether the time is productive or not, rather than spend time talking and thinking about writing. (The way I love the self-denying discipline of writing as opposed to the creative spark, I shoulda been a nun in a grade school.) I was very glad to get out there, though, if only for the chance to meet and hear from people who care passionately about writing, who love the printed word, who have something to say and want to figure out how to say it. This Bi-annual event is very worthwhile, if you ever get the chance to attend.

The main attraction for me was a speech by Michael Chabon, whose estimation in my mind skyrocketed when I read “Kavalier and Clay” and will stay high for quite some time, regardless of what he puts out. (Does that sound like faint praise? It’s not meant to. I enjoyed “Yiddish Policemen’s Union” quite a lot, too. “Summerland” and “Final Solution”? Middling.) His speech was basically the reading of a long essay, “Imaginary Homelands”, included in his new collection of essays, “Maps & Legends”. He was every bit as off-handedly charming as I thought he’d be. I even stood a long time in line for an inscription in my books, something I very rarely do. (I pressed on him a postcard for BARDBALL.COM, and he told me, “I LOVE baseball poetry.” He probably meant “good baseball poetry,” but in any case, maybe he’ll check it out sometime.)

The next morning, he had a Q&A session that was attended by a couple hundred people. His admissions about writing his sophomore novel were very enlightening, and should give hope to all writers, established or not. After the good reception of “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh,” he struggled to come up with something he was happy with. After 5.5 years and perhaps 20 drafts of the book, he still wasn’t happy, and was deathly afraid that the “sophomore jinx” was going to sink his career as it had so many others. He admitted that one of the worst things a writer goes through is the annual meeting with distant relatives at times like Thanksgiving and Passover, and being asked, “So, what are you working on?” and having to say the same thing you’d said the previous year, and the year before, and the year before that. Man, can I relate to that.

At the same time, his first marriage was collapsing. He finally abandoned the book and wrote “Wonder Boys” about a professor having a terrible time writing his second book. When describing his next book to relatives and friends, Chabon said he got sick, sympathetic smiles when he described two young cousins in NY writing comic books as WWII loomed in Europe. Chabon wondered if he was committing career suicide by writing about genre literature, the kind of writing he loved as a kid but that was pooh-poohed in every writing class and seminar in which he dared to bring it up. His idiosyncratic choices were validated when “Kavalier & Clay” won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. He says he now has the conviction to follow every “bad idea for a book” he has. These types of confessions, from a writer with immensely more talent than me, are like a tonic with a shot of Jameson’s. All writers (at least the good ones) face the roadblocks of doubt and effort and preconceived notions of what is expected of him/her. The only weapons we have against it are conviction and honesty with ourselves. It helps to have talent, too, and a stubborn streak that keeps telling you that your ridiculous idea just might be the best book you’ve ever done.

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The Last N’Hood Bar in Wrigleyville

Sad news in the Sun-Times: the last regular neighborhood watering hole in Wrigleyville is closing today. The Nisei Lounge, on the ground floor of Links Hall, is being sold, and will probably be turned into something very special, like the world’s only upside-down sake shooters bar catering to ISU grads.

When I lived at Grace and Sheffield many years ago, before Wrigley Field became a mecca for every drunken frat boy in the country, we used to stop into the Nisei for a drink after games. I remember the Peanut Shell, too, which was a couple doors north, where we were the only non-Spanish speakers. (My roommate and I didn’t own a tv, so we used to rate bars by their willingness to put the Three Stooges on the bar tv at 11 pm. The most compliant taverns would rate a “3 Woob” rating, vocalized with a clear “Woob-woob-woob.” As I remember, the Peanut Shell did it once or twice, the Nisei never did, but we were never very serious in the first place.) These were places of calm where a guy could get a Pabst without feeling like a trendy Wicker Park turd, where people with real stories hung out. There are fewer and fewer honest bars in town, and you can add the Nisei to the list.

For some fascinating history about the place, read Dave Hoekstra’s column in today Sun-Times.

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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

So the lure of Pennsylvania has brought out more historic moments in political pandering. Last week Hillary Clinton admitted that some of her fondest memories as a child involved hunting and shooting. To quote Monty Python loosely, “I admire all of God’s creatures; that’s why I like to kill ’em.”

What IS it about Pennsylvania? “The Deer Hunter”, which took place largely in the Keystone State, was one of my favorite movies, sure, but is it exerting too strong a hold on political candidates? They’ve already beaten the “Rocky” meme to death, although I half expect someone to don gray sweats and run up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum, completely by coincidence. Hey, what about “Witness”? Why doesn’t the Amish worldview work its way into their campaigning? Buggy rides? Barn raising? Or would that seem too pandering? (I can easily see Obama in a white shirt with black pants and suspenders, talking earnestly with the elders. I just can’t see him growing a beard.)

In related news, in order to gain more sympathy for his cause in the West, the Dalai Lama has admitted, “Hey, I sometimes sneak a cheeseburger after hours. I may be the incarnation of a centuries-long line of Buddhist masters, and so enlightened as to be free of the cycle of birth and death, but you know, I’m only human.”

And later this week, in an effort to ingratiate himself with fallen-away Catholics, the pope will admit to occasionally rubbing one off. “But only about girls, I want to remind you. Good healthy girls, from the Alps. And no Nazis, either. Uh-uh, brother.”

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Before We Go Any Further With This Trend…

I’ve gotta know: How do your pronounce “artisanal”? Is it even really a word? Is the accent on the second syllable, “arTISanal”, in which case it sounds like it came from the mouth of Benjamin Disraeli? Or is it on the third syllable, “artisANal”, in which case it describes, when hyphenated with retentive, a good number of people for whom this is an important characteristic of their food?

I don’t know why this word bugs me, but it does. It conjures images of proud craftsmen with beards, carving the perfect cheese with a chisel. Artisans make things at historic villages that sit on living room mantles in colonial houses. Dowdy, rough, built to withstand another cold New Hampshire winter. Is that what you want in a cheese? Can’t we think of another word? Micro-cheesery? Loca-cheese? Udder-iffic?

(And before you ask, No, I don’t know what’s going on in the picture on this card either, or why it’s included in a children’s card game.)

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The Decline of American Letters

The American public is so completely illiterate it can’t even handle the demands of the most vulgar of poetic forms, the limerick. That’s the only conclusion one can reach after reading most of the entries in the Chicago Sun-Times’ “Keep It Wrigley” limerick contest. If you can read more than a dozen of these in a row, then you have the intestinal fortitude to ghost write Paris Hilton’s autobiography.

Never one to miss the chance to slag his competition, the Trib’s Eric Zorn suggested the establishment of the “Limerick Integrity Preservation Society” (LIPS), to stem the rising tide of these miserable excuses for doggerel. His readers’ responses are hilarious, smug, and most importantly, well written. THEY are definitely worth a gander.

As the deadline for the Sun-Times contest approached, I felt the need to tackle this issue myself. For one thing, it might get a little publicity for Bardball.com. For another, hey, a free t-shirt is a free t-shirt.

Cadillac? Marathon? Duraflame?
What brand could replace Wrigley’s name?
Maybe Apple Computers?
Heineken? Hooters?
Or BreathSavers, with aspertame?

If Sam Zell couldn’t tell that the name
“Wrigley Field” is revered in the game,
He’s now heard every schlub
Voice the rub of the Cubs:
“Let’s win–but please keep things the same.”

As you might tell, while I wouldn’t be surprised if Zell sold the naming rights (he’d be an idiot not to at least look into it), I’m already kind of sick of the wailing and moaning of the Cubs fans on this, who even in winning seasons often sound like superstitious old ladies. I don’t think the name Wrigley will be discarded entirely, because it would be a huge PR problem for the company that paid for the rights, but also because no one except broadcasters will ever call it anything but Wrigley Field. How many Sox fans ever call the BallMall “US Cellular Field”? They might call it “the Cell” if they’re being lazy or want to sound hip (like when they call their fave radio station The Drive), but 99% of the time, they still call it Comiskey. Which is as it should be.

Cub fans should take control of this situation and make it known in no uncertain terms that they will call it Wrigley come hell or high water. Take the money, and keep the name for themselves. It won’t matter what the name on the big red sign is. They already live in a dream world anyway.

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Opening Day

Strange new colors assaulted my eyes this morning as I walked the dog. As if a layer of paint had been scraped off the floor, there were streaks of green amid all the brown and gray on the ground. Shocking, almost lurid. It looks like spring might come after all.

That conclusion was not foregone yesterday, but we were told spring training was over, so Stu Shea and I piled into the station wagon and drove to Detroit for the Tigers home opener against the Royals. We listened to the WXRT morning broadcast from Yakzie’s til 7, then switched over to WFMT’s Opening Day show, on the hope that the host would be able to squeeze in some poetry from BARDBALL.COM. We heard Dewitt Hopper intoning “Casey at the Bat” and Wayne & Shuster’s recording of Shakespearean baseball, but began losing the signal at the Michigan state line, so if he read anything, we missed it. Mists, pelting rains and fog made driving a bitch and hope a luxury. Huge mounds of snow could be seen in the trees by the highway and on the edges of parking lots. If it was raining at Game Time, we were ready to head back, but somehow the Motor City was dry and windless, as if protected by a magic bubble, and the day was about as perfect as one could expect on March 31.

But driving to Detroit always brings lots of baggage with it, for those who grew up there and left. Everything bad about the town has gotten worse in the 25 years I’ve been gone, and going to a ballgame in an abandoned downtown with a lot of drunken white kids from the far suburbs makes me feel like a predatory tourist, like I’m on a cruise ship landing at an impoverished island prepared to haggle with the natives over the price of trinkets, while my drunken buddies do impromptu limbo dances and laugh at themselves. Like on any Opening Day, there was optimism all over the radio. “Downtown is humming,” intoned a mild-mannered host from WJR as he interviewed middle-aged fans. One harpy came on and said, “This is a great day for Detroit. Of course, I live in Macomb County, but I’m still so excited to be downtown.”

That’s the place in a nutshell. Out of 48,000 people, I personally saw 4 black faces in the crowd who weren’t working (5 if you count Jacque Jones).

After gathering up Mardi Gras beads and promotional handwarmers, Stu and I wandered around a bit. He took my picture in front of the big Tiger statue that always reminds me of a chia pet before it gets watered, so it looks like I am indeed a completely predatory tourist. We found our friends and got our tickets. Many thanks to Gary Gillette and his family for letting us have the good box seats down the left field line. After shelling out $4.50 for a kosher hot dog and $8.25 for a beer (it was a Labatt’s, so maybe the falling dollar is even affecting our drinking habits now), we took our seats with our SABR buddies Frank and Rod. For some reason, Mayor Kilpatrick wasn’t asked to throw the first pitch like he was last year. Perhaps if he’d thrown a wild pitch, he’d have a hard time explaining that it wasn’t his hands that actually touched the ball. Probably on advice of counsel, he decided to skip the public appearance in front of his adoring constituents.

The Tigers ended up losing 4-3, but it was a hell of a good game anyway. A couple of sacrifice bunts, a couple of runners thrown out at the plate (one by Brandon Inge from the middle of left field), extra innings. Unfortunately, no appearance by the pitcher with our favorite name, Yorman Bazardo. Throughout the rest of the evening, we turned his name into a euphemism for everything from body parts to perverted sex acts to foreign espionage. It was even suggested that he’s a phantom, a will o the wisp, a fictional character who never shows up. If Samuel Becket were alive today, he’d be scribbling “Waiting for Bazardo.” And certainly bitching about an $8 beer.

After the game we headed up to Hamtramck for some delicious Polish food at “Under the Eagle” (since “Polish Village” was packed with Tiger fans). Afterward the men in the party headed for the Cadieux Cafe for some beer and some Belgian bowling. This was my first time there, though I’ve heard of Belgian bowling for many years. It’s been going on at the cafe for 75 years–in fact, their anniversary celebration is this weekend. This neighborhood was the center of the Belgian-American community in Detroit, which for all I know could fit comfortably into one rowboat. This is apparently the only site in North America were you can enjoy throwing that cheese-shaped hunk of wood at a pigeon feather. We had a marvelous time.

After hours we went back to Gary’s house in the Indian Village neighborhood. I hadn’t seen the houses down there since I was a child. They were drop-dead gorgeous mansions from 90 years ago, on big lots. We sat in Gary’s study with a big roaring fire, drank Harvey’s Bristol Cream and talked about hundreds of things. A lot about baseball, and a lot about civic corruption and urban decay.

Gary and his family have a beautiful house they bought at a bargain basement price. What their lacking is, in his words, “a functioning city.” I read about the city in the papers all the time, but rarely visit. I was shocked by the utter desolation we drove through from downtown to Hamtramck, and Gary told me that that wasn’t the worst of it. Elaborate Queen Anne houses rotting alone, the only structure left standing on a vacant block. Not blocks of boarded up houses, but miles of them. Mildewing piles of planks and shingles the city is too broke to tear down and haul away. I probably bored Stu on the drive back with comments about it. I know the place is a wreck, a corpse, with really no hope of turning around economically. If we erected protectionist barriers tomorrow and insisted that every single thing sold in America had to be built in America, it wouldn’t help that place, with a 50% adult literacy rate and 75% high school dropout rate. I had to wonder what goes through the minds of Gary’s two children, adopted from Poland, who get to live in a nice home in an integrated and involved neighborhood, surrounded by a moonscape, filled not with faded glory, but raped and maimed and left-to-die-in-a-ditch glory.

I had a great time at Opening Day, enjoying good company, great food and the annual promise that Opening Day embodies. I don’t want to wring my hands like a hypocrite. Even though I have vivid and wonderful memories of many parts of growing up in the Detroit area, I left that place 25 years ago b/c it was a one-industry town, and I wasn’t part of that industry. Also, I like city living, and can still afford that in Chicago, with all its pleasures and headaches. The price Gary pays for his big gilded-era house is to drive through the post-apocalyptic landscape of a powerhouse city that put the world on wheels. If a movie company wanted to shoot a thriller in the style of “The Omega Man,” they would scout out locations in Detroit and then decide, No, this is too unbelievable, no one would believe that this place was ever inhabited.

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“My Groin Isn’t Where We Want It to Be”

The quote above is from White Sox player Jerry Owens, listed in this morning’s Tribune. Below, in no particular order, are the headlines I was considering for this post, which I realized were nowhere near as funny as Owens’ quote, but worth recording just for the exercise:

And that’s how I met your mother.

That’s what SHE said.

Said Gov. Spitzer to begin his press conference.

I don’t want it in my soup either!

Isn’t that an old Tony Bennett number?

Don’t tell me, pal. This is the Butterball Turkey Hotline.

If that’s your pick-up line, I think I know where the problem is.

Your additions are welcome.