Category: Humor

Boyoboyoboyoboy, the Golden Globes were given out last night! Presented every year by the International Jayne Mansfield Appreciation Society, the awarding of the Golden Globes is awaited every year with breathless anticipation by PR departments and publicists all over the 213 area code. You could’ve cut the tension with spork as they announced the sumpthin or other for the watchmacallit, and afterward everyone got to drink champagne and talk about themselves.

Speaking of movies, here’s an interesting list that caught my eye today: The Unfilmables: A List of the Hardest Novels to Film. This doesn’t even include novels that people tried to film and failed (like Bonfire of the Vanities). The comments of the film fans are also worth reading. My favorite was:

You left out “A Clockwork Orange” by Aldous Huxley. It’s a first-person narrative set in a dystopian world where the narrator uses practically incomprehensible mix of Russian and English slang. You need a glossary to read it. And it’s essential to the story. I can’t think of any director who would be able to handle it properly.

Me neither

because where else can you pick up interesting news stories like this one, from the Great Lake State?

Jail Officers Urge Inmate to Strip and Run Around for Cherry Pie

The two jail officers were fired, of course, but my heart goes out to the inmate. I mean, it must have been one hell of a cherry pie. Michigan’s famous for them.

Thanksgiving visits are prime opportunities for this kind of news. While there certainly are strange-but-true stories wherever you go, a visit to your birthplace and the fields of youth make these stories stand out even more. I’ve got my reasons for not living in Michigan, and fair or not, my mind absorbs these kinds of stories at this time of year and congratulates itself on making the wise decision to move to Chicago. It’s probably all tangled up with nostalgia and regret and the Oedipal need to break away. The fact that Michigan is chock full of wackos certainly helps.

Since topics of conversation generally dry up after 24 hours, or about one-third into the trip, holiday visits are generally the only time I ever watch the late local news. And what the hell is that except a parade of freaky stories about hit-and-runs, trailer fires, parade preparations and the crowds expected for the Friday after Turkey Day shopping orgy? Any prolonged exposure to local TV talking heads will make you think the world’s fate is in the hands of grinning idiots. Maybe if we’re lucky, there will be some good video of hordes of shoppers stampeding into stores on Friday. Teacher says, Every time a shopper is trampled underfoot, an angel gets his wings.

If you’ve got some time to kill online, go to this fabulous timesuck:

http://www.mms.com/us/dark/?zjxj=01200004W9001117W24W0

it’s an M&Ms ad for their dark chocolate, a Heironymous Bosch-style painting full of word puzzles about famous horror flicks. Supposedly there are 50 movie titles hidden in the painting. After more than an hour, I’ve only been able to find 38, and that’s even with movies that I’ve never seen. If you get a better score than me, let me know.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.

By now, everyone in the English-speaking world knows that OJ Simpson has a book coming out entitled If I Did It, And Had Motive And Opportunity And A History of Domestic Violence And Pile of Evidence And An Idiotic Team Of Prosecutors Against Me, This Is How I Would’ve Done It, Hypothetically. A friend of mine is circulating an Internet petition to register his outrage at the publisher, ReganBooks, as if the company and Judith Regan thought the public would appreciate The Juice clearing the air and would be shocked, shocked by the outrage. But my friend is a lawyer, which might imply some respect for the law, so I’ll cut him some slack.

I don’t know why I’m not shocked. I know this is a new low for law, journalism and publishing. But Newton’s Laws of Motion are still in effect, so the momentum of civilization’s downward slope shouldn’t shock anyone. It would be shocking if that momentum were halted and reversed, and the nation boycotted the book, burned down the Fox studio where the interview is being held, and OJ announced, “Okay, I murdered two people, and it didn’t affect my golf game one bit.” That would be shocking, and so, I’m not expecting it.

Speaking of the TV interview, would any sane person conduct it without having a taser on the table next to the glass of water?

In other publishing news, the following titles are slated for the spring:

Poland Was Asking for It, by Adolf Hitler
In Cold Blood, Presumably, by Truman Capote
I, the Jury, and My Agents, by Mickey Spillane

UPDATE: So civilization has not fallen as low as I had presumed. Looks like both the interview and the book have been canceled. When everyone down to Bill O’Reilly questions whether something is despicably bottom-of-the-barrel, maybe it’s time to get on your hands and knees and look in the mirror.

How had I missed publisher Judith Regan’s explanation for her involvement, that

she had done it not for money, but as a victim of domestic violence anxious to face down a man she believed got away, literally, with murder.

Now will we have vigilante publishers roaming the streets, inflicting their own brand of justice when the law fails the citizens of the country? Publishers who right wrongs their own way, no matter what The Man would tell them to do? Outlaw publishers who are their own judge, jury and executioner, fighting for justice in black spandex outfits from their Batcave, fitted with high-tech lethal weaponry? (I take it back–I have no desire to see Judith Regan in black spandex, no matter how good her comic book might be.)

* This morning, at 7:46 Eastern time, America welcomed its 300,000,000th citizen, according to the Census Bureau. He then managed to pimp me out of the last parking space in the lot.

* Speaking of pimps, the gentlemen with the bling are one of the biggest Halloween costumes this year, at least from what I can see at the transient stores that pop up in empty storefronts. Pimps and pirates this year. Hmmmm. Is there a political joke in there?

* But considering how slutty the other costumes are getting, it’s hard NOT to imagine having pimps around.

* Hey, Dr. Frankenstein: Re-Animation is Murder Backwards!

* I’m trying to figure out a way to keep our pumpkins safe from the hordes of ravenous squirrels in the hood. Thinking of spraying them with oil mixed with Thai hot sauce, but I’m afraid they’ll start to like that little endorphin rush and keep coming back for more, looking for jalapeno poppers or something.

* I was all set to make a stand this fall, and not bother to watch any football at all on TV. I had plenty of reasons–the main one being that, if a guy follows more than one sport, he’s got too much time on his hands. And what do I get for my resolve? A Chicago Bears team that apparently employs witchcraft to win games (see last night’s failed field goal by Arizona) and a Michigan team that might make it to #2 by the time the Ohio State game rolls around. Great. Just great.

Here’s some more copy from the aborted brochure for EuroDisney. For more, see yesterday’s blog entry. Warning: Snarky jokes about French history and culture ahead!

MARIANE-LAND

Named after Mariane, the glorious feminine symbol of our country, Mariane-Land celebrates all the splendor and vitality that is France. Experience those thrilling moments of French history and culture that have earned it a place at the head of all nations.

Attractions:
Storm the Bastille! — Relive the excitement of the first days of the French Revolution, as you are tossed into a rat-infested dungeon as a traitor to the crown, tortured for intelligence reasons, then liberated by your comrades in arms. But if you find out you’ve allied with the wrong faction, don’t lose your head!

Napoleon’s Waterloo Water Park — More than just Europe’s premiere waterpark, this is an entertainment tidal wave! Splash your way through to the front line, as water cannons explode around you and British soldiers lunge at you with bayonets. Make it all the way through the defenses and see if you can unhorse Wellington! EXTRA ADDED ATTRACTION: The Dien Bien Flume — This fantasy water ride through French-occupied Vietnam begins with a leisurely ride through the beauties of colonial Saigon and leads to surprise water attacks by Ho Chi Minh’s battle boys.

WWII Surrender Ride — Climb into your very own replica German tank and roll through the scenic French countryside uninterrupted into Paris! This scale model will show you the splendors of the City of Lights, which the Parisians will hand over to you without your even firing a shot. (Don’t worry if the line for this ride is long. You’ll get through it fast — it’s a Maginot line!)

Hall of Heretics — Joan of Arc is your guide through this Animatronic salute to religious diversity in France. Meet the Huguenots, the Albigensians, the Jansenists and others as they tell their side of the story. Special pyrotechnics show twice daily.

FOOD AND RESTAURANTS:
The Sun King — Full menu. Dine in regal splendor and toss your scraps to the peasants.

Let Them Eat Cake — Pastries, petit fors, and baked goods.

The Dreyfus Deli — Sandwiches, delicatessen food.

SHOPPING:
Catherine Deneuve Allure-O-Mat — Discover all that is Deneuvean. From parfum to rouge, she’s got it all.

My favorite bit is the Dien Bien Flume, but I’m pretty sure that was Todd’s joke.

With the time I spend bouncing around the house and fussing around and generally NOT writing, one might assume that my office would be as neat and tidy as something depicted in a furniture catalog. But as Felix Unger once pointed out, when you ASSUME, you….you…what was it again? These mnemonic tricks always stump me. I used to keep a list of them around, but then I forgot where I put it.

Anyway, since my new VAIO can only use floppy discs as shims or drink coasters, I decided to go through all of my old 3.5 inch disks and see if there was anything worth keeping on them. Many documents were backed up, but in back-up formats long forgotten, so I’m thankful that I wasn’t too clever back then, or too confident in my tech abilities, because this leaves me with some documents I can actually read. (A touch of nostalgia: Geez, remember when your file names could only be eight letters long? Ever try to decipher what PIRREVBK means 12 years later?)

While I’m thankful to have them, the gratitude doesn’t stretch to actually reading them. Man, my files are choked with some really really lame ideas. I keep them because of my taste for oddities, or my roleplay as the caretaker of some nickel museum full of Cardiff giants and Feejee mermaids. But, as poet Marvin Bell says, “The good stuff and the bad stuff are all part of the stuff. No good stuff without bad stuff.” Man, is that a turn of phrase or what?

One piece does still crack me up, even though my collaborator Todd Grove and I beat the jokes into the ground like we’re battling zombies in a horror movie. We almost sold this idea to SPY Magazine, but I can’t remember if they backed out or went under before it saw the light of day. Anyway, this is a parody of catalog copy for the new Disney park that opened in France back in the early 90s. (I should point out that at the time of the article, French-bashing was merely the realm of desperate comedians, not desparate politicians and pundits.) Here is an excerpt:

Cover copy:
Coming in 1992 — DISNEYMONDE !!!
The Happiest Place On Earth Comes to the Most Civilized Country in Europe!!

Inside copy:
WELCOME TO DISNEYMONDE!
Mickey and his pals are known and loved by people the world over. So after Florida’s DisneyWorld in the 1970s and Tokyo’s DisneyLand in the 1980s, where’s the best place to spread their joy next? Mais oui, but of course — France! Now you can visit all your favorite characters in a setting that mixes the famous Disney hospitality with that particular je nais c’est quoi that is French culture.

ENNUI-LAND
The French know well the darker side of life — we wrote the book on it!! But just because mankind is involved in a fruitless search for meaning in an illusory world under the shadow of oblivion doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy ourselves. Dive into France’s intellectual mainstream of the 20th century and find out how much fun angst can be!

ATTRACTIONS:
It’s a Small, Bleak World — At DisneyMonde, nothing is quite so memorable as this trip through the nations of the world. And “nothing” is what it’s all about! Dolls from all over the world will sing songs in their native languages about our brief, puzzling lives and the fruitlessness of human striving.

No Exit Ride — Sartre told us that Heck is other people. But is life just an endless series of meaningless situations that we can never escape? You bet! On the No Exit Ride, you’ll shoot down a featureless black tunnel that appears to have no escape other than death. But does it? You’re probably “dying” to find out!

Huck Finn’s Left Bank — Marvel on this wonderful Animatronic cruise that brings together the literary lights of the Lost Generation and the beloved characters of Mark Twain’s America. See Hemingway duke it out with Injun Joe. Watch Huck Finn and Scott Fitzgerald stage a drinking contest. Listen to Gertrude Stein, Becky Thatcher and Alice B. Toklas sing “A Friend is A Friend is A Friend.” The Louisiana Purchase was never so vibrant.

FOOD AND RESTAURANTS:
The Nausea Cafe — Bread, coffee and too many cigarettes.

The Josephine Baker Cafe — Full menu of exotic dishes, served by the famous “Singing Orphans.”

Crazy Horse Saloon — An exciting new branch of Paris’ most famous burlesque show. Watch for the Tinkerbell Review every day at 8:30 pm. And at midnight, bring your hankies to the Piano Bar for the Edith Piaf sing-along.

Tomorrow: More joy from Disney Monde!! Bon soir!